It’s been some time since I’ve posted here. I really thought I could put this behind me after redirecting my attention and thoughts to more fruitful endeavors and even changing my environment in certain online spaces. My biggest day-to-day problem, though, is how much these feelings and thoughts wax and wane.In some circumstances they even morph into different feelings or impulses that make me begin to soften to the idea of entertaining, or even engaging with, this mindset. It’s extremely difficult because the things that trigger me are all around me, and my own appearance doesn’t help the situation either. I’ve learned throughout the years that these feelings are sexually attached or mainly driven by my libido, it seems.I experienced what can best be described as “gender dysphoria,” for lack of a better term. These episodes happened in waves and intensified as the years progressed. It occurred three times and lasted anywhere from minutes to eventually months. The onset was instantaneous, and I’ve never experienced or felt anything like it before in my life. It caused me to step back, reflect, and research the phenomenon. That’s when I came across these transgender feelings and dysphoria and all this other made-up nonsense.I grew up normal in high school. I was popular, am handsome, worked out for four years, am tall, and have a good family for the most part. So I have no idea where or why these feelings exist in my life. I am also religious and have a deep-rooted relationship with God.
Continued> As a kid, though, I just remember wanting to hang out with girls (not date them), play with makeup secretly because my family expected me to be a boy and behave a certain way, and there were times I would use certain round objects to place underneath my shirt and pretend or see what they would look like. Throughout my childhood I was not sexually active either; this was all through curiosity.Growing up and reaching my early teen years is when I started getting thoughts of wanting to please men orally. I was afraid to do it in real life because I’m a hypochondriac, so I would experiment with dildos. I reached a point later in my teens where I started getting the idea to present in a certain feminine way. This strangely brought on arousing feelings, and there was one instance where I “relieved myself” while I was dressed up and looking in the mirror.I quickly came to the conclusion that this stemmed from deviance and that I needed to just stop, because clearly I wasn’t on the right path. But after I finished sometimes, there were moments where I felt a longing for a better reality where I didn’t have to hide and could just express myself the way I wanted to without judgment, ridicule, and questions.I quit everything, threw everything away, and continued my life with working out, going to college, etc. I dropped it because I just wasn’t sure that this was how I really felt inside.
Continued> 2A year later I was working with family when a female coworker walked by. I glanced real quick and went back to work. In that split second my mind became noisy. I got extremely scared, lost motivation to continue working, and felt an intense urge to recluse and research this feeling that was happening to me. As each day went by I went from “Do I want to be a girl?” to losing reasons why I wanted to stay a guy. This lasted for two months. I got a Bible, prayed, and took each day slowly by reciting verses so I could eat without gagging.On the last day of that two-month period I was in my room watching TV when all of a sudden the thoughts stopped repeating and my mind cleared of the static noise. I finally recovered or finished whatever it was that I had in my mind. After this phenomenon it caused me to go into certain social media platforms for answers and maybe similar occurrences. Years later, after talking to similar people, I took hormones for three years. The thoughts went away, and I never had something that severe happen since.I’m here because I stopped years ago. Although I don’t have those serious thoughts or episodes anymore, I still find myself in limbo. It’s hard not to be distracted or debilitated by my surroundings of women expressing themselves, and by me walking away from that lifestyle at a time when I was content with that decision.
Last part> What hurts the most is how I can be so okay with living as a guy and then find days where I completely second-guess myself and almost wonder if I regret this decision. Sure enough I start to spiral a little bit and start asking Grok or close friends if it’s genuinely okay to transition and not against the Bible, and if this isn’t just some cabal psyop for satanic rituals, etc.The main reason I stopped was because of my religious beliefs. At first when I started the hormones I always prayed (and still do to this day), but I didn’t know that transitioning was sinful until two years later, when my family started talking about the agenda and everything else about this world. They didn’t know I was transitioning, but these are topics like conspiracies and politics that they typically talk about as Republicans.After stopping and trying to start again, I just felt doubtful, scared that this was wrong in the eyes of the Lord, and that it was not the kind of spirit I had from before I first started.I now go about my day on no hormones, with male expression, a male job, etc., hoping I’ll find those sparks of wanting to be a guy again like I used to have before the episode ever happened.I’m currently in this trap where I can’t stop “relieving myself,” because that’s the only way to get the thoughts and feelings to subside and bring me back to the male spirit where my morals and ambitions to work out return.I’ve always asked myself if this was perversion because of the sexual attachment, but I also always questioned why I had these feelings, thoughts, and behaviors from when I was an infant up to a child and into my early teens, before puberty hit.I’m here because I’m trying to find like-minded people who have fought this and are able to live as guys by fully defeating or removing these thoughts.
Bump (can’t provide useful tip)
Cant really help you cause I havent gone through that, but im a man and I would say everyone of us is, at one point of ur life is subjected to, or tempted to, what I would call a sort of disintegration. Its good you are fighting it with the Truth and the use of discernment. I mean the bible says "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" I think it is a good verse for these kind of feelings.I would just say to you that you are obviously not alone on this fight. Read about Ernest Hemmingway behind that macho persona lies a man that struggled all his life with the pulsion of dressing as a girl, we all struggle for some sort of disintegration.
>>35057543Hemmingway came from an epoch were being macho was the cannon of a man, so we dont really know... maybe he couldnt concile or express some other feelings, of more feminine nature maybe, into his rough life.
>>35057553But our epoch... is different, they say to you "ohhh you feel like a girl? oh yeah, thats absolutely right u should transition just because you want" is wicked, but every epoch has its own wickedness behind. And epochs have a tendency to make us believe there is something new under the sun, some new discover, some new rules to the game, but not, at the very core we humans are the same, prone to disintegrate, to fall into sin. this shits been happening since the dawn of humanity.
