Executive Summary: Core Conditions and Functional Index This document provides a factual overview of these conditions and how they interact and overlap:

● Circadian Rhythm Sleep/Wake Disorder (Non-24): An extreme presentation where my internal cycle averages about 42 hours, completely preventing a standard 24-hour routine and having many knock-on effects.

● Depression, Anxiety, & Emotional Issues: Severe fluctuating episodes that cause cognitive executive dysfunction and emotional dysregulation, heavily affected by my sleep instability.

● ADHD: Lifelong deficits in working memory, task initialization, and an exceptionally slow cognitive processing speed.

● Gender Dysphoria: A long-term transition history where vocal dysphoria remains a primary unresolved issue, contributing to depression & anxiety.

● Severe Seasonal Allergies: Occasionally debilitating, treatment-resistant hay fever that can cause flu-like symptoms during spring and summer months.

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Circadian Rhythm Sleep/Wake Disorder (Non-24)
What is Non-24?: Non-24 is a sleep-wake disorder, currently diagnosed as "Circadian Rhythm Sleep/Wake Disorder (possible Sighted Non-24-hour Sleep/Wake Disorder)", or just "Non-24". It is a disorder in which an individual's body clock fails to synchronize to a 24-hour day. Instead of sleeping at roughly the same time every day, people with Non-24 tend to find the time they go to sleep getting later and later every day, normally by a few hours—meaning the circadian rhythm is longer than 24 hours, causing the shift forward. Trying to fight against this internal sleep rhythm often results in severe and cumulative sleep deprivation and other sleep/wake issues.
The Severity of My Case: Mine is a rather extreme example of the condition. My average "day" (one full cycle of wakefulness and sleep) lasts 42.57 hours—consisting of roughly 28.58 hours awake and 14 hours asleep. However, these are just the averages, with the actual numbers being unpredictable and different every day. My periods of wakefulness can reach up to 47 hours or more, and single sleep episodes can last up to 30 hours.
Evidence Note: I have over five years of my sleep-wake data tracked in spreadsheets available on request. A four-month snapshot that shows the pattern well should accompany these document bundles. Please see these now before moving onto the next section, as I believe they do a far better job at visualizing and getting the pattern across than just text alone. They are labelled E1-4.

Sudden Fatigue and Safety Risks: My fatigue does not build gradually; after the 24-hour wakefulness mark, severe exhaustion hits hard and fast without warning. My brain struggles to register that it is tired until I am on the verge of collapse. For comparison purposes, you might view this aspect through the lens of a condition like narcolepsy.
This can create immediate safety hazards. During these sudden drops in mental awareness, I am at a much higher risk of accidents. Working with tools, operating appliances, cooking, and navigating environmental hazards can present a severe risk due to these periods lower cognitive function.

How it Affects Me Day-to-Day: Living day-to-day, this is not an obvious or visible accessibility need like blindness or deafness. However, the impact of being physically unable to live on the standard 24-hour cycle the world works on is profound. The most critical consequence is my complete inability to reliably work. Most jobs require set schedule, routine, and punctuality. I physically cannot follow this due to the massive, random variations in my cycle length and its total unpredictability.
Severe Distortion of Time Perception: On a personal level I do not perceive the passage of days properly. I routinely "skip" calendar days, either by sleeping through them or being awake throughout them. This entirely breaks my perception of time. For example, I can wake up on Monday evening, and the very next time I fall asleep and wake up, it is late Wednesday or early Thursday. To my brain, it feels like only one continuous "day" has passed. You might compare this experience to living with permanent, severe jetlag.

The Reality of "Skipping" Days: To illustrate this with hard data: I only slept 14 times during the entire month of November 2022. This means I missed out on half the month’s worth of perceived days. The brain simply does not register a solid 48 hours of wakefulness as two separate days; it registers as one long day. Because my wakeful periods regularly exceed 30+ hours, basic time management completely breaks down. For me, a week is between 3 and 5 of my perceived “days”. Establishing a daily routine is physically impossible. Consequently, it can be exceptionally difficult for me to cope with both planned and unplanned changes.

Impact on Commitments: It affects my ability to attend more minor or one-off events like appointments or social life commitments, as there is no real way to predict my sleeping pattern in advance. Say I have a doctor's appointment at 13:00 on Wednesday; my ability to attend that appointment relies on luck and what day I wake up on before it. If I wake up late on a Monday (say 20:00), I know that I am probably going to be awake for the entirety of Tuesday, but I am probably going to fall asleep Wednesday morning (between 02:00 and 09:00). Because of this, I’m now unlikely to be awake for that appointment on Wednesday. However, there is also every possibility I get tired far earlier than expected, or cannot sleep until the morning of that appointment, meaning the pattern becomes entirely unpredictable and impossible to manage.
I have a limited ability to try and "shunt" my sleep schedule around if I know an appointment is coming up. I use my sleep medication to help manipulate this and try to aim to wake up around midnight so that I have plenty of buffer time if I oversleep past that point. This ensures I still have enough time to properly wake up, get things done, and prepare what’s needed. This is more of a workaround than a reliable and sustainable solution for regular attendance anywhere.
Medications & treatments: Covered in the Depression & Anxiety medication & treatments section due to crossover.

Depression, Anxiety, & Emotional Issues
The Link Between Sleep Instability and Mental Health: I live with depression and anxiety which fluctuate over time. When these episodes occur, my cognitive functioning and ability to execute tasks break down, and I can struggle significantly with daily life. These episodes key off of and tend to happen far more frequently during periods when my sleeping pattern is at its most unstable. Therefore, trying to manage my sleep and staying in routine is my main defence against it, but even a stable patch does not guarantee immunity from these episodes.
Emotional Regulation and Stress: I frequently struggle to manage my emotions and cope with stress, of which I have a very low tolerance for. Frustration causes me to become quick to anger, which often results in outbursts. Conversely, under stress or conflict (such as disagreements or high-pressure situations), I am also quick to experience deep sadness and become visibly upset. When faced with negative thoughts, I get trapped in spiralling cycles of overthinking and rumination that are hard to break out of. At its worst this can result in complete overload and brief spikes of suicidal thoughts. This can completely halt my day and kills any chance of getting anything productive done.

Fluctuating Days - Good, Bad, and Average: Because my conditions fluctuate, my ability to function changes from day to day:

● On a Good Day: I might wake up, have breakfast, exercise, and then go on to get chores and obligations done, as well as engage in hobbies. I might also spend time with my partner or online friends. However, even on these good days, I normally don’t wash, change my clothes, or eat properly. I also do not usually leave the house unless I absolutely need to, or on the rare occasion I am in a good enough mood to see people in real life or spend time at a local gaming club.

● On a Bad Day: I can end up doing nothing at all. If I do not spend the entire day in bed, I still manage to get nothing productive done. I might not eat properly, and I am often unable to bring myself to spend time with people or engage with hobbies. Alternatively, I might try to do something but get too unstable in the process to continue, spending the whole day trapped in worry, anxiety, and spiraling.

● An Average Day: This is usually a middle ground between the two extremes, and it varies as much as the stability of my sleeping pattern. It is hard to give an exact baseline. On an average day, I might be able to get myself out of bed and feed myself, and maybe engage with a hobby, but I ultimately fail to get much productive done. Any day I manage to accomplish something is a win for me, and I generally try to keep myself busy when possible in order to prevent my mental health from spiraling downhill.

Medications & Treatments for Non-24 & Depression: I am prescribed Melatonin (2mg) as a sleep aid and Mirtazapine (30mg) for depression. Because Mirtazapine has a strong sedative effect it also acts as a sleep aid. I take both medications together ahead of my intended sleep time, or before bed. These medications are not a cure or a direct solution; they do not always work, particularly if my body is not already physically tired. While they can improve my sleep quality and help towards periods of relative stability, they do not correct the underlying elongation of my circadian rhythm.
Side Effects: A major side effect of both Melatonin and Mirtazapine is that the sedation they cause can also make it exceptionally difficult to wake up unless my body is allowed to wake up naturally after a full sleep cycle. If I am forced to interrupt my sleep for an appointment or another fixed obligation, the residual sedative effect causes severe groggy states, confusion, and lowered cognitive function.

This has been a long-standing barrier to attendance; for example, when I was at university, this side effect oftern meant that I would oversleep and arrive so late that classes where oftern close to or finished by the time I arrived.
Furthermore, because my exhaustion hits without warning, I frequently experience sudden sleep episodes where I "pass out" at home before I can even take my medication. Missing a dose in this manner usually results in the start of an unstable patch that can take many cycles to get back under control.

Environmental and Dietary Adaptations: Because I am unable to live on a standard 24-hour routine, I have had to alter my living environment. I utilize blackout curtains in my bedroom to mitigate daylight disruption to my cycle. I also have a small oven in my bedroom so that I can prepare simple meals when the rest of my household is asleep without causing disruption. It has an automatic shutoff timer so that there is no risk of me falling asleep with it on. As the non-24 makes it difficult to keep up with expiry dates I usually opt for frozen food over fresh produce that easily spoils. To help make up for the lower nutrition I take a multivitamin every day.

Cognitive Support and Compensatory Strategies: Because my perception of time and its management is so broken, I cannot rely on memory or routine. To compensate, I maintain a comprehensive Excel spreadsheet that functions as both a sleep-wake data tracker and my personal calendar. Because I must check and update this document multiple times a day to log my sleep, I use it as a vital cognitive aid. I embed all upcoming appointments, tasks, deadlines, and a daily to-do list within it. Without this continuous, manual digital tracking, my ability to remember obligations or manage basic daily tasks would completely break down. I do my best to maintain a “daily” and “weekly” to-do list physicly to help establish some kind of routine and ensure I get important tasks done (such as marking my wake up and bedtimes, washing, chores) but this isn’t as reliable as I need it to be.

ADHD
Symptoms and Timeline: In 2024 following feedback from my partner and close friends, I reviewed the NHS page and other recourses on Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). I match the diagnostic criteria for both the inattentive and hyperactive-impulsive presentations. These symptoms have been present since childhood and as an adult I have been attributing them to my sleep-wake issues, depression, anxiety, or mild autism – but I believe it would make a great deal of sense if ADHD could be playing a part. I have a family history of neurodivergence (including Asperger’s and Tourette’s), and I am currently awaiting an NHS assessment. Even if I am not formally diagnosed with ADHD when that assessment happens, these functional symptoms still exist and remain a documented, daily barrier to my capabilities.
I note severe deficits in time management, time estimation, and concentration. I frequently start, stop, and switch tasks randomly. I also tend to operate at an exceptionally and unacceptably slow pace compared to the general population, and has been a lifelong issue. It affects everything from reading, writing, and processing instructions, to basic domestic tasks like doing the dishes, cleaning, washing, getting ready to leave the house, and even engaging in hobbies that I enjoy. I have real anxieties about being able to hold down a normal job because of this.
Suspected Dyslexia and Dyscalculia: While I do not have a formal diagnosis, I strongly suspect I have dyslexia and its numbers/math equivalent dyscalculia.
Memory: I also have deficits with working memory. If I don’t properly write down or log something on my todo list/calendar system, then I will not remember. I cannot properly function without this continuous digital prompting.

Academic History and Functional record: The above deficits played a part in hampering my performance throughout my education, increasing in severity at higher levels as the environment became more structured and demanding alongside and interacting with other issues mentioned in other sections of this document.

 Primary & Secondary School: While my behaviour was not disruptive, my slow speed was a constant barrier. I routinely fell behind in class, struggled to complete tasks on time, and often misunderstood instructions. I was sometimes placed in special groups with other students who were recognized to have social and learning difficulties.

 College: After highschool, I went to college and studied Media for 3 years, and generally did well, being a subject I cared about. But my slow speed, severe procrastination, and struggles with written essays were a constant issue.

 University & Academic Failure: After college I went on to study Game Design. I found it extremely difficult to keep up with the course, and underperformed greatly due to the added stress which worsened all my issues. Everything quickly caught up to me and deteriorated into a severe cyclical depression over the 4 years of the course. I failed and had to repeat my entire second year, and had to resit many of the modules over the years including my final major project in the last year. I only managed to finish the final year because I knew it was my last opportunity for funding, and had to mask my severely ill health to be allowed to stay despite not being fit to sit. Despite graduating with the lowest possible passing grade the four years were an overall failure with projects at or below a first year level.

 Post-University: Since graduating, I have attempted to undertake independent online courses in my own time to develop my skills and make up for what I did not achieve in university. But I have found it very hard to concentrate, practice, and follow through with them.
Medications & Treatments As I have not yet to be assessed for these issues there is currently no treatment plan.

Social Situations & interacting with people
I prioritize staying inside my home where I feel secure. While I am physically capable of leaving the house, doing so can induce a persistent nervous anxiety that I sometimes struggle to manage. Social interaction—whether with people I know or strangers—is highly draining. A standard one-hour commitment, such as a phone call or a mandatory Jobcentre meeting can leave me physically and mentally exhausted for the rest of the day, making it impossible to properly sustain further tasks. Consequently, I cannot reliably or predictably go out on a daily basis. I limit my outings almost entirely to essential appointments and baseline necessities, such as medical visits, Universal Credit meetings, and food shopping.
My ability to navigate outdoors improves significantly when accompanied by my partner or a friend, who help provide a safety net and distraction, allowing me to better manage anxiety levels. While I am occasionally able to attend a local games club or socialise on exceptionally good days, this is an irregular occurrence that still requires recovery time and does not reflect my daily baseline capability or ability to sustain regular predictable attendance anywhere.
I try to make an effort to spend atleast one night most weeks interacting with my closest friends online over voice chat. We usually play games or watch something. This still wears me out but I find it important to help keep me healthy.

Sensory Sensitivity and Adaptations: I experience a sensory aversion to the sun; the heat, glare, and physical sensation of sunlight on my skin causes discomfort. And so I tend to cover up when outdoors no matter the weather.
Medications & treatments: I am not currently prescribed medication for this. Instead, to help manage my symptoms, I almost always wear a heavy, oversized coat when outside. In addition to helping to keep the sun off me, it also acts as a sensory 'safety blanket' that helps me feel anchored, secure, and less vulnerable in public spaces. I also wear a hat to keep the sun off my face and out of my eyes. I previously used the coat's hood for this purpose, but I transitioned to wearing a hat to avoid the social stigma associated with wearing a hood up in public. I take a multivitamin to help get the vitamin D I’m otherwise deficient in.

Gender Dysphoria
Diagnosis and Transition History: I have a formal diagnosis of gender dysphoria and have been undergoing a long-term transition. I began my social transition in 2016 and have been undergoing a medical transition via Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) since 2021.
While my physical transition is broadly complete, my voice remains a significant, unresolved obstacle., Because my voice does not fully reflect my identity It is my primary cause dysphoria which directly feeds into my depression and social anxiety. Verbal communication—especially with unfamiliar people or over the phone—induces self-consciousness and anxiety. This partially contributes to the mental exhaustion I experience during social interactions.
The Barrier to Routine: I have found it exceptionally difficult to properly establish and maintain a consistent voice training routine. This includes a past NHS voice therapy course that I was unfortunately unable to benefit from. This difficulty is not due to a lack of willingness, but is a direct consequence of the lack of ability to properly establish a routine due to non-24, executive dysfunction, concentration deficits, and depressive episodes detailed elsewhere in this report. While I am actively trying to re-engage with independent voice training in my own time, it remains a struggle.
Medications & treatments: I am currently prescribed E for my physical transition. This has been effective long term. I am attempting to undertake voice training at home in my own time when I am able.

Hay fever
During the spring and summer months, high pollen levels can trigger debilitating hay fever that can manifest as severe, flu-like symptoms and exhaustion. Because of this, combined with the heat, I restrict my outings even more than usual during this season. These symptoms affect me both indoors and outdoors. Even brief exposure—such as stepping outside to hang laundry or taking a few minutes' walk to a local shop—can be enough to trigger severe symptoms that persist for the entire day, completely neutralizing my ability to function.

Medications & treatments: I am currently prescribed Fexofenadine Hydrochloride (180mg daily) to help manage symptoms. Sometimes it works and holds off the worst of it, sometimes it seems to have little effect. Over the years, I have tried multiple prescribed treatments, including paying privately for Kenalog (Triamcinolone) steroid injections. Unfortunately, these have largely been ineffective.

Missing doses and frequency
Whilst I do my best to take my daily medications when I am supposed to (antihistamines, HRT, multivitamins), I frequently miss doses—sometimes up to half of them a month. It is common for me to remember to take them when I wake up, using the first meal I eat as a prompt, but I will then forget to take them on the subsequent day that I am awake into (or asleep through) due to my prolonged sleep-wake cycles.
Because of this, there is no standard "tomorrow morning" routine to help anchor my next dose to. Additionally, as previously mentioned, I can also pass out unexpectedly from exhaustion and miss my bedtime medications as well (Mirtazapine, Melatonin).


Support
My support network mostly consists of my partner and online friends. I started dating my partner in 2023 and they have largely been a massive positive factor for my health. In October 2025 they relocated to my city and now visit my home often, they frequently provide support to help manage the many issues discussed in this document. Standout examples include physically directing me to bed when I am on the verge of passing out, helping to prepare healthier, more regular meals, and providing critical medication prompting (especially when I’m at risk of passing out before taking my bedtime doses). They also help with my pharmacy medication collection, a task I would otherwise severely delay or avoid. But-for my partner stepping in to assist when needed, the functional limitations detailed throughout this report would affect me at a far more severe level.
UPDATE: From the start of September 2026 (and still ongoing unless updated otherwise) we have been separated again due to circumstances outside of our control and the immediate difference is extremely apparent with me missing meals, medication, and passing out more often.

Employment and current job searching (2026)
Following the initial decision that found me fit to work, I have consistently complied with my job-seeking obligations for my countries limited gibbs. I have focused my efforts on applying for remote, home-based roles, as these offer the only theoretical framework that could accommodate some of my sleep-wake variations. However, these applications have not resulted in any employment offers.
Due to the lack of viable employment options that can accommodate my long unpredictable cycles, I began preparing for self-employment around April 2026. I am working towards producing small goods at home to sell online. Manufacturing goods from home allows me to work in complete isolation, entirely on my own self-paced fluctuating schedule, and with no fixed hours or punctuality constraints. I believe it represents the only possible method for me to attempt productive activity.
If you have access to the private secondary supplement document, this contains important details relevant to this section.

Conclusion
This report outlines the daily functional reality of managing these multiple overlapping conditions.
My capabilities are tied to the limitations imposed by them and the volatile way they interact. My severe Non-24 shatters the concept of a 24-hour day, forcing me into a unpredictable sleep-wake cycles that disrupt my ability to sustain any routine. This instability has a knock-on effect and along with the Gender Dysphoria feeds directly into the Depression, Anxiety, & Emotional Issues, contributing to severe cognitive fatigue and executive dysfunction. When these factors collide with my ADHD symptoms and slow processing speeds, executing tasks within a reasonable timeframe becomes impossible. Severe seasonal Hay Fever can also make this worse in the Spring and Summer months.
Every effort has been taken to address potential questions within the body of this text, but please ask for any clarifications needed.
Thank you for taking the time to review this report.

And next onto that """trauma""" document

Medical Self Report, Private & Confide

Purpose of this Document
This document is a supplement to my primary Medical Self Report. It expands on it and goes into other mental health issues and their complete history that I generally prefer to keep private.
It is an attempt to explain and to put into words, an accurate account of the mental health and experiences that brought me to where I am now. This is both for my own understanding, mental mapping & logging of events and experiences, and as reference for those that absolutely require it.

(yeah sharing this shit online almost sounds a bit contradictory to the above but its anonymised enough for me to be comfortable with it)

When appears, this indicates there is missing text/context. This is because it is something I do not wish to share in writing or words. Note that this block does not indicate length. It can note single words up to multiple paragraphs or entire external documents. For the avoidance of doubt, the omitted text relates strictly to highly sensitive, private personal trauma; its omission does not alter or contradict the factual functional limitations detailed in this or the primary report.
Executive Summary: Psychological Trauma and Risk Manifestation
This private supplement provides crucial historical context regarding the absolute limits of my psychological endurance. It outlines a period of profound psychiatric collapse triggered directly by past attempts to force my mind and body into a standard, structured routine. When subjected to these unsustainable external pressures, my conditions deteriorated into active suicidality, severe trauma-related hallucinations, and physical parasomnia injuries. This history serves as a documented baseline of the severe, life-threatening regressions I experience when stretched beyond my functional capabilities, demonstrating the immediate risk to my health if forced into a standard employment framework.

Memory
My memory only really solidly goes back to the last two or three years of high school (~2010-2013). Everything before that is very fragmented and unreliable, often feeling as if I have duplicate accounts of the same event with different context, for the exact same memories.
I do not know why my memory only really goes back this far. Personally my theories range from simply an unreliable memory, the start of more major sleep issues and their impact on my development, or even a potential traumatic event. but a direct solid cause has never surfaced.

Timeline
~2010-2013
The last 2-3 years of Highschool are my earliest solid memories. I would start hearing and seeing things that aren't there. These are often hostile, occasionally benign. Sleep issues are apparent and I’m unsure if they existed before this. Nightmares begin to manifest around this time, and progress into more serious “attacks”. I begin to hear voices and other auditory hallucinations. Levels

of paranoia and anxiety increase substantially. These symptoms would persist into college and reach their peak during university.


2014 - Summer 2016, college
College era nightmare “attacks” start, and persist onwards into University. Depressive symptoms set in and get worse until their peak in university.
Starting in 2014 while in college, I began to wake up with small cuts on my back, and eventually my legs. They where first noticed by a friend when they informed me of blood beading through my shirt in College. At first this was suspected as self inflicted nail scratches, but as time went on, the wounds got more severe and numerous, in addition to being in awkward locations.
These “attacks” would often occur on nights that coincided with extremely vivid and realistic nightmares in which I would be placed into the perspective of an unknown figure as they carried out my own murder. On occasions this was, in a flipped version of events, revealed to be myself.
This greatly distressed me, and so I voiced my concerns about the most likely self-infliction to my GP. They told me that this would not be possible due to the angles of the cuts (specifically on my back) and that I would likely wake up whilst receiving them.
I narrowly avoided having my parents informed as I was underage (17) at the time. I had rocky relations with my father and step-mother, and harboured some suspicions that they could even be involved, so did not want to risk it coming to light that I had sought medical help for it at the time. Around this time I also turned to a local priest for help and advice, but this did not lead anywhere productive.

Early on I conducted experiments where I removed any easily assessable blades and sharp objects from my room and reach to potentially rule things out for my own peace of mind. But unfortunately the attacks continued, and so my weariness of my parents and a growing fear of a more paranormal explanation strengthened. I would begin to sleep with a weapon nearby to help put my mind at ease a little. Along with the nightmares, which often occurred less intensely on nights where no attacks happened, I believe these attacks to have given me a deep fear of sleep itself which would persist into university. I believe this could be the cause, or atleast a contributor to my current sleep-wake issues, although I have had those for as long as I can remember.
I would begin to have other nightmares much more frequently around this time, where I would be chased around a large building by some form of creature/monster, which would end with it killing me.

Summer 2016-2020, University
During the summer holidays between college ending and university starting, the wounds and scars on my back (and only the ones on my back) where discovered by my parents as one of them came into the bathroom as I showering. This caused a major falling out between us and I quickly moved out of my farthers house to live with a grandmother on my mom's side of the family. Whilst I lived at my grandmothers the attacks stopped for a time, reinforcing a suspicion of my father/step-mother’s involvement in the attacks.
At the end of the summer holidays, I moved into a student apartment and began University. The Nightmares would persist, though somewhat lacking in intensity. After at least a few months, maybe halfway through the year (in full swing by early 2017), the Nightmares massively ramped up in intensity and the attacks resumed.

For the next two years that I lived at two separate student apartments the nightmares and attacks would be frequent, happening anywhere from a few times a week, to most nights in the week ("Nights", as in nights on my unusual sleep-wake cycle). I would sometimes scream in my sleep, and a few times would be woken up by a flatmate to get me to cease.
The Attacks varied from weekly to a few times a month. Some would be mild, needing none or minimal treatment. Other times I would wake up with my sheets and torn clothes completely soaked in blood, often on the walls and doors of my room, sometimes extending to the hallway. Even the deepest wounds would normally be decently clotted by the time I woke up, most would need patching with bandages, and would often take a month or two to heal.

After months and months of this I got somewhat used to it. The pattern of waking, cleaning, and patching up became somewhat routine and normal. It was more an inconvenience to deal with that would make me late or skip classes to deal with. The only thing that I was afraid of at this point was the vivid nightmares, which I found would somewhat persist for a few moments after waking up.
I’d oftern see the creature that killed me or my “doppelganger” in the room after these nightmares is one of the most terrifying things I have ever experienced in my life, worse than any normal sleep paralysis combined with the wounds inflicted.

Early March 2017
During my first year my flat was raided by the police. As far as I know, none of the details of the above where fully passed to them and the raid was about a much more mundane matter involving an immature flatmate reporting a deactivated landmine and some other items I owned for collecting & hobby purposes. I avoided getting kicked out over this as I did not break any laws or listed rules, and full details of my issues were not properly communicated by the flatmate enough to flag anything.

In the second year, with a different group of flatmates, I opened up about what I was going through to a few of them over some drinks. This resulted in a much less serious raid, but a more serious investigation in which I nearly got kicked out of both the accommodation and my university (under their "fit to sit" policy). Again, details only seemed to be passed to the accommodation themselves at most, and not the university proper. This really saved my ass and allowed me to only be marked down as depressed with them after a couple of sessions with their in-house councillor.
I believe I had many symptoms and signs of depression and anxiety well before this but my second year of uni was where things took a greater turn for the worse. It was the start of a 2-3 year period that I would call the worst years of my life in relation to my mental health. I’ve always had occasional suicidal thoughts but this period was the closest I’d ever come to actually doing it. I’d fail the second year and need to redo it because of this.

Due to the above incidents as well as the cost of living in , I decided to move back to , first with my mom. And then when the plan for a room at hers fell through, I somewhat mended my relationship with my Dad & step-Mom, and moved back in with them. At this point, they had long been ruled out as a potential cause of the attacks.
The nightmares and attacks would continue over the final two years of uni. I would finish uni with the lowest passing grade resitting many modules including my final major project in the summer of 2020, just as Covid 19 brought the world to a stop.

Over the coming lockdowns that the pandemic brought aswell as finishing uni, I found that my mental state would start to improve. Still not healthy, but as of the first draft of this document being initially typed up in the final days of 2022, the nightmares and attacks have stopped. With the occasional nightmare only happening every few months at most, and even then not to the vivid degree as before. Voices and hallucinations have decreased to a similar level, only really coming back when I find myself at my lowest. But even then, I've long gotten used to them and usually have a firm grasp of what is and isn't real these days. I still live with depression and anxiety that can spike quite badly at times, but I do my best to atleast keep my head above water, even if I’m in the deep end.

In 2022 I met my current partner; and in mid 2023 I started dating them. They are currently the love of my life and the backbone of my improved mental state compared to how bad it used to be. We have a strong healthy relationship and they support me greatly, they are my anchor.

Notable Persisting Effects
In general, these thoughts are pushed out of my mind, being “bottled up” for lack of a better phrase. If I allow myself to linger and think on them to much, I find that I’m driven into breakdowns and depressive episodes. They are however, still often at the back of my mind, which I feel results in a some level of anxiety and paranoia most of the time.
When I get upset in general (stress, arguments, anger, ect), it tends to break the emotional bottle, and can make what would otherwise be a reasonable reaction to upsetting events into a full on breakdown. So as a rule I don’t tend to handle stress well in general. I also have anger management issues that may or may not be related to/caused by this.
Because of the initial suspicion towards them during the first nightmare attacks, I find it hard to feel a familial love towards members of my family – particularly, my mom and dad. The content and result of the nightmares made me feel like I was just a replacement, a fake that took their son/daughters place after killing them, which is somewhat of a disconnect that sticks at the back of my mind. In addition to the worry that I could, or have been, replaced. I do understand that these were just nightmares, and could just be some very wonky roundabout internalized self hate or doubt. But the feelings still remain.

I am occasionally prone to bouts of extreme paranoia, anxiety and overall general instability with no obvious cause as to why. These usually remain in effect until I eventually pass out from exhaustion or am otherwise able to sleep. This is most often due to .
From a combination of the past nightmares and the attacks, I think there may be a lingering fear and anxiety of sleeping, and that they will one day resume. For a long time I had a very real fear of the dark, and still do in general. But starting about halfway through uni I can atleast sleep okay in dark rooms most nights. But in general the darkness is a very primal, instinctive fear that I just cannot get over due to the feeling that things that could be lurking in it.
If before sleeping, I am anything but perfectly calm or do not feel completely safe, then the need to have some kind of weapon in reach of my sleeping area whenever possible is very strong.
Whilst I have memories of sleep issues going back as far as I can remember, it would not surprise me if the fear of what could happen whilst I sleep is a massive contributing factor in my sleep-wake issues, if not now, then reinforced so deeply in the past that it still causes problems.
Due to getting the police called on me and raided in both my first and the second year of uni, and subsequently nearly getting kicked out of my accommodation and course because of it, I’ve had trust issues since, although I think this has gotten better with time. But they still linger on the topic of my own mental health with most people, with no one outside of a very select group of people being able to read this particular document especially. I still get nervous whenever I get an unexpected knock at the door.

I also have a distaste of and with and issues with law enforcement due to this and some other unrelated interactions over the years. They make me nervous and uncomfortable. This extends to authority in general, including the medical sector especially in regarding to seeking help for most things in this document.
I was fine seeking help for the sleep and other medical issues, but these aspects feel I cannot seek help for, for a fear of being sectioned or forced onto medication that I do not want to take. But if these issue where to resurface to the degree they used to do, I do believe I would seek help for them.


2026 Relapse (Ongoing, subject to change)
In 2026, under the continued pressure of mandatory job searching, navigating Universal Credit requirements, and attempting to start my own self-employed business, my psychological stability began to decline again. Even without the strict scheduled classroom environment of university this pressure has hit similar stressors that triggered my collapse when I was in University.
I fully recognized this backslide was happening in mid-September 2026, following more than six months of progressive decline and experiencing active, acute spikes of suicidality over the past four weeks. Recognizing this, I pulled the brakes and have placed limits on these activities as they are no longer sustainable, and taken steps to notify my GP and Universal Credit to a limited degree in order to bring the situation under control.

Conclusion: Evidence of Substantial Risk Under Regulatory Frameworks
This historical account is submitted not to dwell on past trauma, but to serve as a vital, realistic warning of what happens to my psychological stability when my adaptive boundaries and limits are breached. The severe regressions detailed in this document - including active suicidality, vivid terrors, and severe cognitive fragmentation - were not random; they were the direct consequence of trying to force myself into an unyielding, structured environment that my severe Non-24 and other limiting factors could not support.

I currently maintain a fragile stability only by living strictly within the parameters of my fluctuating sleep cycle, relying heavily on my digital cognitive aids and the daily physical intervention of my partner. If I am found 'fit to work' and forced back into a traditional, punctual schedule or subjected to workplace stress, it will completely shatter the coping mechanisms keeping me safe.
Based on this clear historical precedent, forcing me into workplace obligations carries an undeniable, substantial risk of triggering a total psychiatric collapse and a return to active suicidality. An immediate, and life-threatening risk to my health.
+++
31 fucking posts later. Thanks for anyone who reads this personal lore dump. And doubly so to anyone with any real advice for any of this shit. Its genuinely appreciated.

That was DEFINITELY an interesting read. Have you got a lot of gnarly scars on your back?

>>35055123
>am a tranny (but this feels moslty no relevent)
that is the most relevant, kys immediately moron

>>35055221
No, his biggest problem is that he's a vampire, not a tranny, lrn2read retard

>>35055206
Glad you atleast found it interesting anon. Scars are mostly concentrated on my upper right arm/shoulder and back. Pushing 7-8 years later, they're well healed and nicely faded at this point thankfully. https://litter.catbox.moe/abv7h3m6ysge3evz.PNG

>>35055221
Kindly take your own advice anon. The desire to outlive YOU specificly helps keep me going^^

Globally, my main piece of advice for you would be to flip the way you look at your own life.
It has to change from "I have difficulties but I am trying to move towards normality" to "I am in a horror survival, let's see how far from the starting point I can make it before I get snuffed".

Normality has never been in the cards for you, and never will be. You are biologically incompatible with it.
If you flip your mentality, you will at least enjoy parts of the ride.
https://fragilekeys.com/2019/11/23/staying-alive-michel-houellebecq/

>>35055123
When stumbling across this post I thought "TL;DR", but this was definitely worth the read.

Have you ever had a nightmare that progressed differently than the others? Besides the whole self-inflicted first/second degree murder stuff. Is there anyone else that shows up unexpectedly who may have a significant role in your life?

Assuming you subconsciously reject yourself on the daily, maybe the best option is to focus on loving yourself and adding more towards your overall health other than just multivitamins. Frozen vegetables, dehydrated fruit, plant-based milk, and lots of grain for protein (if you don't already have these in your fridge/pantry).

Try to complete one or two brain/cognitive activities that are simple enough for you to stay productive. It doesn't have to be every day that you're awake, maybe once a week at the very least.

Avoid reading or watching anything related to disturbing content, look into certain documentaries or video essays that you may take interest in. If you enjoy true crime or horror, I'm sorry to say, but I highly encourage you to not get invested in that type of media with how your nightmares are going.

Be as positive with yourself as best as you possibly can. With depression constantly chewing away your psyche, I know it'll be hard to resist those thoughts, but always stay on the bright side of things.

My advice isn't great and ultimately is generic and/or shit-tier. I'm not a therapist nor a professional at all. This is me referencing what I learned while being admitted. Best of luck to you OP.