>>35050705
Wow that’s all really fucked up. I have extremely strong opinions about several aspects of this due to the way I grew up but I’ll leave those out because it’s not helpful and the way you’ve written this garnered at least a little sympathy from me.
This event is insane but it does not have to define your entire life (and hopefully you don’t let that happen). It is, however, something that should define the principles and values with which you move forward. That is to say, you will be committed to nothing like it ever happening again in a way that runs deeper than momentary sadness.
If you kill yourself now this event will define both your life and your death. That is genuinely more pathetic than going on. Anon would respect you less for an heroing when you actually had at least one obvious path forward, wouldn’t he?
Forgive yourself? I don’t know man I don’t know if I’ve ever forgiven myself for anything either. I try to turn those things into lessons. Some lessons are extremely bitter medicine but you gotta choke ‘em down because there’s no healing power in the sweet.
I have met some people who were in good spots in life later on and been absolutely appalled at stories from their younger days. I mean, sometimes I could never even ever see them the same way again. But there they were, after it all and with a straight face livin’ in a 5k sq ft suburban house with a country club. It’s not an issue of “deserve” whether any of us like it or not. People do bounce back if they go on, or at least there is a chance. There is no chance if you whack yourself.
>crushing debt
you might be in luck. Our financial system might go tits up in a way that works out in your favor there.
Anyway I’m going to abandon thread because I can’t take thinking about this anymore. The person who “lost control” at me made it hard for me to believe that phrase from anyone ever again. I don’t know about you but they definitely were in control.

>>35051910
Would you say this to any woman for having done anything at all?
>inb4 yes

>>35050705
Okay, I have a question for you: have you completely and permanently quit drinking? If you have, there is hope for you; if not, there isn't.

>inb4 Why?
Because when you get drunk, you become violent. You need to realise how serious this is: if the guardian hadn't come in when they did, this could conceivably have ended in murder rather than just an assault. Strangling her could have killed her anyway; there is no safe way to strangle someone.

So, when you drink, you become a person who is capable of murdering his girlfriend. The decision to get drunk is a decision you make while sober. So, if you choose to drink, you are (while sober!) deliberately choosing to put yourself into a state where you might kill someone you love. If, knowing this, you continue to drink, that means you DON'T CARE about putting yourself in a state where you might kill someone. And that means this:
>I probably sound like a fucking horrible cunt from my actions
is an entirely accurate perception.

If, on the other hand, the day after this happened, you swore never to touch alcohol again, and you've actually kept that promise, then there might be some hope for you.

>>35051914
>Would you say this to any woman for having done anything at all?
NTA, but to a woman who was guilty of attempted murder, I would say worse than that.

Is this b8 or does adv have genuine future convicts posting about their daily life here

>>35050705
>How do I forgive myself?
You shouldn't. I'm not trolling: feeling guilty and ashamed of what you did is what will stop you from doing it again. The day you don't feel guilty and ashamed of what you did is the day you hurt someone else.

What you need to do isn't to forgive yourself, it's to atone. That means you need to become a good person and do good things, which will (after a long time) balance out the bad things.

And of course, you're not doing that. You're just lying around getting high and considering killing yourself because you're too lazy to try becoming a good person. Stop taking the drugs. Stop drinking. Get a job. Make friends, find another girlfriend, and be good to them, and good to other people. That's how you'll feel better: by BEING better.

>>35051969
>Is this b8 or does adv have genuine future convicts posting about their daily life here
Both, probably.

>>35050705
>How do I forgive myself?
You won't be able to forgive yourself to a long time but Jesus forgives you right now.
> Anyone ever fucked everything up and bounced back?
Twice, actually. A great savior for great sinners.
> I hate myself
A person shouldn't be judged by their one worst day, or one terrible night under the influence.

I also lost a relationship due to actions when I was drunk
I also overreacted and blew all savings 65k+
I also lost jobs and had to start over because I was blacklisted in my original industry
I also eventually found love again, found work good enough to get myself a house, and survive, and even find it kind of satisfying, even though ten years ago I'd scoff at it and say it's beneath me
I have even built back up my credit and paid some debts and the rest were just dropped off once they realized they can't get anything out of me (like I had taken out a 20k loan, paid back like 3k, gambled the rest of it away, and never even officially declared bankruptcy.)

>>35050705
get yourself in a program to stop drinking.
If you're getting blackout drunk and hitting people you're nonfunctional.

>>35050816
Kys

>>35050705
What are you talking about? Your debt is tiny and you didn't do anything. Why are you blowing some incident like this so out of proportion?

>>35050705
>She still messages me, she still wants me, she still loves me she's said it all herself
I bet she loves you even more after this. She's definitely into this shit