>I use and abuse people.>I stop talking to people when I don't need them or feel too much shame for how I've treated them >I will yell at people and abuse them *if* I can get away with it and am in the wrong state of mind (intox)>I do hate myself>People with strong boundaries avoid me>My entire friend group is made up of people I manipulate into liking me, or people who are tasked, somehow, with making me better (probably egotistical or paranoid of me to begin with)>I never bothered to do the work enough to fix this, only to temporarily regulate myself enough to survive>I only care now because I will get hurt and will lose something this time>When I cannot be around others, I slowly spiral into nothingness >I generally come across as a decent and kind person irl, at least to people who don't know me for a long time.>I'm generally shy/'introverted' because I lack the confidence to do much of anything>I don't usually resent others, at least not that I can tell. I mostly lash out at people who are of immediate annoyance (difficulty regulating), or who remind me too much of myself/certain situations>the lashing out has generally gotten less frequent, probably because fewer people irl tolerate it. I am also generally more emotionally regulated these days. >most of this only happens when I feel very poorly.>I can have long stretches of time where I'm mostly fine and have normal relations with othersI'm in the process of getting 'proper' help, but honestly I'm worried that I've ruined my life. Is it possible to recover from this? I do want to change.
The first step is knowing yourself and diagnosis can help there. AI says:>Borderline-level affect/interpersonal organization + vulnerable narcissistic defenses + antisocial/exploitative traits, with possible avoidant/shame-based withdrawal.Personally I think you could be a malignant borderline but Im not a professional.
change environmentyou don't really have to move far just a few miles
>>35041189I am speaking to a psych as soon as possible, but the health system is slow.>>35041229i want to, but i fear losing all my irl contacts here. I much prefer irl to online, which honestly is the reason why a lot of my relationships have fizzled out. i need to see someone regularly, and I've done very poorly thus far at arranging that.
>>35041576Try looking into any local programs specifically for abusers. They're often free, and the professionals running then are more likely to hold you accountable for things. A regular psych may coddle and encourage even your faulty behavior.
