>>45102753
Did you ever find out if your worst fear was coming true?

>>45123325
i was supposed to go on a date this weekend with another cool tranny from grindr but then she blocked me or deleted her account the day before :(

i just broke up with my girlfriend and i want to die, i am very lonely and she was the only person i consistently talked to and spent time with and now i have no one.

>>45123347
That's terrible but if she's the type of person to do that, she wasn't worth the effort.
>>45123446
I'm sorry about your breakup. You must have felt like it was necessary if you knew how lonely you'd be afterwards. Have you tried doing more social activities to make friends or meet new people?

File: 824fac305501bd533a90b97f9(...).jpg (32 KB, 416x416)

32 KB JPG

I discovered self flogging with a belts buckle end and its great. Unlike cutting which makes me zone out and dissociate, it instead grounds me and gives an adrenaline rush and warmth and the pain from it goes well with being a worthless disgusting monstrosity. Ngl i can see someone do it to me.

>>45123325
I have so much seething chud rage I wish I could rape and kill people long distance

>>45123535
>I'm sorry about your breakup. You must have felt like it was necessary if you knew how lonely you'd be afterwards.

it definitely was necessary the relationship wasn't going anywhere good and it had been forced into becoming a ldr which i cannot do.

>Have you tried doing more social activities to make friends or meet new people?

no, i find it hard to get close to people and i dont have any real hobbies or things to bond over with people. i used to think i was good at making friends but im obviously not.

File: 1520338935744.png (109 KB, 602x474)

109 KB PNG

>>45123898

>>45123325
I manmode to work but I don't usually deal with the general public, so I was not ready for being aggressively "sir"d by everyone I talked to today. Like I know that I reasonably shouldn't be upset by people calling me a man when I'm presenting as one but they were really going full in on it for some reason.
Also a customer felt the need to ask if everyone was being nice to me, so I apparently just look pathetic and bullyable in general.

File: 1777190741164440.gif (1.57 MB, 400x300)

1.57 MB GIF

I meant every word and I believe it's better for both of us but it still feels like I'm dying

>>45123671
It might be a good sign, people enforce gender roles like that without realizing when you don't quite "pass" as male, or when they think you're ftm

File: HTyer0gWEAASOPr.png (720 KB, 1152x1057)

720 KB PNG

>>45124195

My ex made me feel so good about my body, like I didn't need to change anything for him because he loved me just as I was. But now that I'm alone again, and now that I want to medically transition, I get sick just thinking about it. He loved my curves and my tits and my height and my voice and I want to kill myself whenever I think about it because I'll never make it as a man. Nobody's going to love me if I get rid of the parts of myself that can be objectified. I can't imagine someone feeling the same way towards me if I had a flat chest and a deep voice. I feel like just giving up and remaining female to survive off of other people's validation.

It's not even his fault, he was a wonderful person and I didn't make any effort to present like a man. I was okay with that at the time as long as it meant I'd be loved. I know what kind of body I truly want, and I have for a long time, but it seems impossibly out of reach, especially now. I'm never going to experience being a tall man in a relationship with a cute girl. I just have to accept my fate and dissociate while dating straight men

>>45123909
How long have you been thinking about medical transition? I know it's hard to visualize your body becoming something you feel comfortable in but a few years of medical transition can change so much

>>45124195
Since ~14 (I'm 20 now). Didn't come out because I thought I could make peace with my body as it is, but it's currently not working out now. Thank you for the encouragement

File: gleghole.png (22 KB, 300x300)

22 KB PNG

>>45125276

I'm having a bit of a mini panic attack right now, idk. what the hell am I doing? I'm a repper but still why do I have these thoughts of being something I will never be able to be that overpower every single other thing to where I think about it 24/7, lose sleep over it, want to vomit at my body. what is this?? why?? why have I become faggy so quick when I was just a normal depressed fucker a few months ago that only had a thought now and again? maybe I'd be more understanding of my desires if I wasn't the person I am with the body I have, but I'm literally ruining my psyche over something that just... isn't doable for me, at least in any way I'd be happy. BD/GD is so cooked because I know it's retarded but I can't get rid of it no matter what :(

i dislike everyone including myself
i amso pathetic
i make women uncomfortable and meb treat me like a bug
iim shivering hunched over my laptop
i outwierd enven the wwreirdos
i was on a videocall wwiht a college asignment partner theother day and idk why i began tugging at my pants rolling my ssleeves out of camera and when i asked if we should end the call she seemed like too ready to do so even more than other days and i think it might have looked like i was doing somehting else
maybe not maybe im jusat paranoid but i dont knwo i cant as k her and its just what my mind immediatlye goes to bcaue ive already had people think im a creep when i wasnt doing anthing bad on purpose and its all the more frustrating beacuwe its always people that i make uncomfortable but they dont know ima faggot and if i todl them im a foggot it would ust look a like a cheap excuse and im too cowardly and wweeak to accept people mknowign im a fggot
on the other side men seem to catch on very easily that im a gfaggot and they manigfest it very clearly
or maybe they just think im autistic ofrr smthn buti want to stop making pople uncomfortable its the last thing i want but it alwy s happens im so tired iiiiii just wantn to sto'p having to talk to people a d the only way to obtain that solitude is by killing myslef i need to ikill mmyself so i dont have to interact with people anymore

>>45124249
it's doable for basically everyone. there's no cure like you say, the longer you wait the more difficult you make it for yourself in the future

File: self imposed.jpg (98 KB, 736x963)

98 KB JPG

>>45123325
What a miserable world I live in, to both hate cis women for taking their bodies for granted, and to hate gigahons, who lost before they ever began.
I don't want to live like this.
When did I let beauty standards and arbitrary mindsets dictate my whole life.
I just want to be okay with being a mid tier girl.

I need to burn down my apartment and everything in it I can't fucking take how much everything reminds me of you

So far it's been easier, never imagined that giving up on my individuality would actually work, at points it feels like I'm a prisoner but that somehow brings me comfort, I just need to do what I am told, conceal my ideas or avoid them completely and the rest flows.

I do not recommend it, there's no reward other than feeling someone wants you with them even if it is just for sporadic company, but for me that's enough.

File: GvTlXbVWgAAoyMp.jpg (57 KB, 959x894)

57 KB JPG

>>45126826

So there's this sixty-ish year old woman who visits the shop I work in. She has a face like a Roman mosaic, but here's the thing, she also has amazing tits. I know this because she was getting rather Charli XCX with it over the summer and I could just straight up see her nipples. Anyway, I got hard in a way that even standing behind a counter is obvious, and now she keeps winking at me, and last week she said how she likes to "nip out out weekends" - a common enough British colloquialism, but in this context, no.

You might think this has nothing to do with /lgbt/ culture - and you'd be correct. But I ask you, what would this board be without cis male perverts? Much better? Yes, but that ship has sailed. Plus the internet killed all my old imaginary digital friends.

>>45126806
Just bang grandma you fucking pussy

>>45126226
relatable
mine is finally dying

i haven't had any suicidal thoughts for two years, but lately i've really been thinking about killing myself. i can't deal with dysphoria, much less in the very hostile environment where i live

i don't have too much to say about it anyways so i'll just leave it there

im going through the worst time of my entire life and nothing is helping at all and my religious trauma + being terrified of reality is making it so much worse. i have literally nowhere to turn, i can’t take it
my mother destroyed and is continuing to destroy my life and she gets away with it all and i can’t get away from her and become independent no matter what unless i just leave and go completely homeless and start from literally nothing
i have no support or friends or even ways to cope except looking at pictures on tumblr and eating sweets which got me sick now
i can’t take it at all, i can’t believe my life is so horrible and i have literally nowhere to turn or any way to escape and i can’t d do anything except endure because im too scared to attempt suicide
i hate my life so much, i want to be happy and independent and free
i don’t want to be tortured or destroyed anymore
i dont want things to be so horrible anymore
i have no idea why this is happening to me

>>45128021
and also she gets away with everything because i’m “male” so if people see a mother fighting with her male child then somehow the male child is the one in the wrong because mothers are perfect beings but if people see a mother fighting with her daughter then its ok because its just “girls being girls”
i fucking hate my life
i want to fucking escape from all of this fucking torture

it just isn't fair

talking to trannies on discord and 4chan is all well and good but I need a real life transgirl friend who gets it
none of my guy-friends get it
I have one non-binary friend but it just isn't quite the same
it feels lonely
I missed out on a lot

funny how I never cared about missing out on guy things when I was a lonely gaycel teenager

>>45128260
Same. It feels incredibly isolating to just be words on a screen to people. I desperately want actual irl connection with someone like me

>>45128021
You can't become independent at all without going homeless?

File: IMG_0654.jpg (68 KB, 1200x680)

68 KB JPG

>>45129878
i dont think so. i’m not going to be in my native (by nationality) country for the next half a year or so either. i feel like when i was 12 again, completely alone and helpless
nothing is helping me cope except looking at pics on tumblr and thinking about what little faith i have in spirituality left like believing that the soul is immortal. i also had some really vivid and interesting dreams the last 2 nights but i just want to get away from my life. i really want all of this to stop.

WHO THE FUCK PUTS THE EGG SHELLS BACK IN THE CARTON
WHY COULDN'T YOU SEAL ANY BAGS NORMALLY WITHOUT LIKE TWELVE CLOTHESPINS AND A CHIP CLIP
CINNAMON TOOTHPASTE FUCKING SUCKS
THE MIDDLE SHELF ON MY BOOKCASE IS UPSIDE DOWN BECAUSE WE WERE FIGHTING WHEN I PUT IT TOGETHER
I HATE HOW MUCH OF MY LIVING SPACE IS JUST YOU

File: ichor.jpg (42 KB, 496x680)

42 KB JPG

I hate how much of my life is me.
I hate being this way.
I wish I was someone else.
I wish I felt more.
I wish I felt less.
I wish I could be open for once.
I wish I didn't take everything personally.
I'll fix it one day, but not in a way that fixes me, just fixes the problem of my existence.
I want to go home, but I don't have one of those anymore.
none of this will ever work out, not the way you want it to.

>>45130880
I know it's not me, but
I'm sorry I put egg shells back in the carton, they fit easy.
I'm sorry I use clothespins to close bags, they tear easy..
I'm sorry I like cinnamon toothpaste, I wish you'd get your own
I'm sorry I fought with you and made the shelves upset, if you want, we can fix it together..
I hate how much of my living space is me too.

I'm feeling hollow and empty again, but maybe I'm sliding out of it enough to finally feel a sliver of what I've been missing. It's like a gradient of personhood. Finally getting back on my adhd meds seems to help me actually do things so I can be Worthy to Be Alive, so that's nice

File: yume neko.jpg (32 KB, 500x625)

32 KB JPG

>>45131205 >>45150193

>guy is into me
>keeps telling me I'm lovely and kind and beautiful and gentle and all sorts of things
>makes me sick because I know I'm none of these things
I know I'm some big ugly disgusting shut in. I'm barely even a person and it makes me feel like I've tricked him. I wish he'd just realize what I am and leave me alone for his own sake.

>>45131181
i feel like this with almost every relationship I've had, including non romantic ones. The problem is that thinking you are disgusting kinda makes you come across as such. Unfortunately, you have to pretend to be good and normal.

File: IMG_9473.jpg (297 KB, 791x1081)

297 KB JPG

>>45132040

i just got vyvanse prescribed and my doctor told me to get an ecg done. only problem is i’ve been manmoding on hrt for a year and got breasts now and it’s gonna be really awkward for a doctor to put the electrodes on my chest. i’m mortified of going to the doctors for it and have been delaying it for two weeks now

I know that she is bad for me and we have no future together and I want her back anyway
I am pathetic

>>45131225
you'll have to get it done eventually

I do not like this, I can't figure out why she changed her mind so suddenly, she went from edgy transphobic to "we can do this together" so fast, I understand why she insisted we went back "together", it is obvious she just enjoys the power she has over me, but going as far as telling me we can be an actual couple, as in she likes what I am, that she is even looking forward to see how this develops makes me weary.

I mean, she's always been into this but was never this supportive, it feels weird, I'd rather be abused, this is confusing

>>45132450
do you feel comfortable talking to her about it?

>>45132643
Yes, we just talked about it, I've known her for so long, when we first met we used to watch boys and talk about random shit, it developed onto something awkward then it died out, so I know how she is outside of a relationship and what kind of men she likes and I am absolutely nothing similar to that, I have nothing to offer not even pity sex so why does she want me? I have already decided to stay by her side no matter what, but being together? I feel as confused as I feel guilty

why did you have to pretend you cared? I was willing to invest everything into you, I wanted a life partner

and you left me with nothing
you did far more harm than I caused you and you will never see or understand
if you had ever loved me you would be here right now but where the fuck are you
I am dying alone

im so lonely i might genuinely kill myself over it it's getting unbearable

havent posted here before, 20mtf
im guilty for everything that i have. i want to give it up to someone else, i dont think i deserve it. i was born with well-off parents in a rich neighbourhood. i still live with my them now. i started diy at 17
why was i lucky? why me? i give most of my money i make thats leftover to mutual aid but i feel like its just some philanthropic saviour complex. it probably is to make this shitty post too, "woe is me im a richoid luckshit and too spoiled and well off omgg". i dont think anything can make up for it. what can i do?
if i was a cissoid i dont think id even notice how well off i am, id probably just take it for granted. thats what my older sister seems to do, she goes to uni and doesnt even think about being outside of the crab bucket.
when i try to make friends they just resent me because its really obvious that ive had almost zero hardship in life compared to them. sure "my dad hit me and i was bullied and im a tranny and i dont pass and its not like my parents are going to pay for ffs/srs unlike some others" but theres nothing of substance
why is it like this?

>>45133158
Get over it and accept the fruits of your ancestors labor.
>t. poorman

File: IMG_1832.jpg (284 KB, 1182x680)

284 KB JPG

>>45133198

This EXACT thing happened to me last week and it’s making my skin crawl. My brain keeps replaying the sensation of being touched on by this short bald smelly faggot and it’s giving me panic attacks I cant eat I cant sleep I am very fucked. I need to be around people who aren't going to try and grab my sick or kiss me or hit me or i am going to off myself.

>>45133190
Why am i so mentally weak that stuff other people can shrug off just completely shuts me down I don’t understand

File: IMG_7005.png (363 KB, 715x718)

363 KB PNG

>>45123325
>Be me
>In a long distance relationship with a cute long haired Twink
>Had our differences but determined to make it work
>Nvm lol he actually hasn't "felt the same" for the past few months, has been texting a new guy for the past 3 weeks, had sex immediately after we broke up, didn't even like the sex and is reconsidering his sexuality, claims he doesn't feel anything
>Mfw I was stuck with a genuine parasite for the past 10 months

I still miss you

i met this guy i like and we had a honeymoon phase for awhile until i showed him my face and hes so cute but im disgusting and i hate myself and i want to die he doesnt love me anymore but i think about him every day and snuggle my pillow every night wishing it was him im only 8 months hrt and im trying to lose weight but it hurts so much i have no body else he said its okay but everything hurts i love him so much i hate being a fat disgusting freak of nature

>>45133258
i exercise i use an exercise bike but it hurts i know i can't expect results over night but i wish i never showed my ugly face to anyone i should wear a bag instead i wish i started transitioning sooner i was a repper for a long time but i hate it and im scared im wasting my time and ruining my life trying to transition i just want to be beautiful instead of a disgusting abomination i guess i cant do any worse but holy shit

>>45133275
i love him hes so cute and hes so smart he enjoys the nerdy things that i do he actually has a life and goals and isnt a dysfunctional loser like me hes so precious and he makes me laugh so hard and i feel like a speck compared to him he's better than me in every single way i wish i was small and skinny and cute like him instead of being an amorphous blob of shit and despair

why aren't you here in bed with me

>>45133294
i hate myself why did i have to turn out like this? i cant do anything i have no basic life skills i can barely take care of myself why do i think i can suddenly be a beautiful woman? why do i think anyone with a brain will think i am one? even he knows I'm not i just take solace in how brutally honest he is to me. he tells me its okay but i know through every creeping word he says and everything he does he finds me to be immensely disgusting. he laughed at me and told me to lose weight he said my hair isnt doing me any favors these words echo through my skull and onto a shitty dead internet forum

>>45133315
i just want him to love me and make everything go away i want him to snuggle me and make all of my malformed thoughts disappear but I know it will never happen. im so tired of half baked relationships and games people play with you on shitcord. i hate that fucking website. ive used it for 10 years and all i have to show for it is broken dreams and dead friendships long forgotten. i just want someone to love me i want to love them. i want to be a beautiful girl instead of the freak in the mirror. i want someone with standards to impress instead of dysgenic fuck ups with obesity fetishes. i just want to be something instead of fucking nothing

I still love you
if you asked right now I would take you back
but I know tomorrow I would say no
I have to say no for both of us

>>45133332
i just want him and only him and i want him to be proud of me i want him to respect me like i respect him. but im such an idiot. im not smart, ill probably never make 6 figures a year. ill probably be homeless laying in a ditch so the maggots bears and elements will devour me. if im a waste and parasite to society at least my body will go back to the nutrients of the earth

>>45133369
i imagine finally seeing him in real life and being a beautiful woman for him after trying so hard and crying into his arms and never letting go with his hand rubbing my back and my tears getting his sweater sticky. i simply want this and only this forever. but reality will have its way, me or him will simply ghost each other and like every single other relationship ive ever had it will become another fading regret ill have on my conscience

why won't you love me the way I want

>>45134098
have you told them how you want to be loved?

>>45134180
it's too late

>>45134237
you never really know

>>45134252
you can't force someone to change how they feel about you or what they want

>>45134260
you're right about that, I take it you two want different things? that's very difficult to deal with

my cat died 7 days ago today and it's like both my emotions and will to do anything died with him. i forgot how fucking bad my bipolar disorder can get sometimes and wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy desu
it really doesn't help that since march i've had a lot of very old, specific, and honestly terrifying memories get trudged up due to them becoming relevant in a community i've been in for 10 years now & passively watched for 13. i feel like an unforgivable monster despite that logically being ridiculous. i can hardly remember the entire past week, i keep zoning in and out of reality because everything feels like a dream i can't wake up from and it's exhausting
guess i have to look at the grounding tips my therapist has given me

my completely dysfunctional, neurotic, life-destroying, ex-cult member, psychopath of a mother is destroying my life and my health and it is getting bad enough that i think the only way out is for me to run away from her and become homeless(?) and start from scratch. im in a fucking foreign country with her right now too and this is the worst time of my entire life so far.
i’m too scared to kill myself and living with her is genuinely destroying me entirely so the only way out is to fly back to my home country and be stuck homeless or semi-homeless and try to get enough money to live on my own. we have fucking bedbugs too which makes it impossible for me to get help from others in the meantime like temporarily staying with someone else.
this woman destroyed my fucking life. i grew up in a cult full of other psychos and ive read other stories of kids who grew up in it who killed themselves or died from diabetes because their parents refused to give them western medicine because its “demonic”. why did this happen to me? i should have killed myself when i was 12 and actually had both the courage to do it and access to a gun
i hate my life and my mother and demonic abusive father and the cult i grew up in so fucking much. i want to die. i hate my life. my life is evil.
it just autocorrected to “school” when i tried to type “evil” but i dont believe in new age stuff about earth being a school, and i hate almost all religions as well. i just want this suffering to stop. i dont think this “needs” to be happening.

i can't stop crying lately. i cry on the train, i cry in public, i cry a lot at home every day. it really does feel like the end

Had to break the "relationship", I don't know if she is unable to express her feelings but being told, after asking too many times, that the only thing she sees in me is company helped me realize this is not for me, I already felt unsure about making this decision but I gave it a try out of curiosity, maybe this time it would be different but it is worse, "you are already here, and we are old already", no, fuck off, it's clear you ran out of options and just want someone you thought was easy to convince. No, I may have given up my best years but I don't want to spend them tethered to someone that just needs company just because they are "there".

please help im supposed to ve an angel im supposed to be an angel but because i am ruined, dirtied icant do it, im missing myself, i used to hear my fellow angels but now theryre gone, i cant become, i hate hate hate hate unlike an angel, i hate you and you and you and you for crushing me like this i was always supposed to fly i want to become something beautiful and pure not like this not like this please

I should kill myself soon

>>45135997
u are an angel bb<3

>>45135997
im trying to calm down. i will write how i a m feeling. lateley i have been considering that maybe my traffickers/ abusers induced the dissociative shit in me intentionally. (programmign0 its freaking me out. there are multiple conditioned parts in me that make the body do this automatic response on cue. its terrifying. one of these holds my legs open and it makes me unable to walk. another makes me drop to the floor and go limp so icant escape. i dont know what to do with so much trauma, too much baggage. i am thankful enough to have friends i open up with sometimes but they dont know what to d, i dont blame them, ive been triying to get a therapist for years, but nothing,does anyone want to help the broken headed fuckdoll? i dont know what to do, i dont know who willlove me for this. its the only thing on my mind. i dont know how to function at all, even though its been years. i just want to survive and maybe heal if thats an opetio. i dont know.

sorry ikeep posting the same shit here over and oer and over i will keep screaming it out until it doesnt feel heavy anymore
>>45136021
thank u <3

>>45136051
scream it if it helps poor thing :(
you can still be loved and you deserve to be.
i hope you can find a trauma therapist too

>>45136149
thank u for being kind :). i hope so too.

My entire life is a self fullfilling prophecy...

she called me fascist for telling her to put underwear on, and now she's refusing to talk to me.
I feel awful but I'm simply not sure I want to live a life with someone who doesn't care how people see them.

>>45123325
i really can't do this shit anymore but i can't escape
i cant look at myself anymore
breakdown in the fucking shower again
it sounds stupid but i just sit on the floor of it and cry in anguish
i can't even properly cry, i try to do it and what feels like a sense of morbidity comes over me and i just start laughing and it's awful
ive never been able to sleep but i've been feeling the exact same wired feeling for about a month and when i try to relax or go to be my heart rate SPIKES and my head starts to throb again
i have gone insane really sane people are not like this and i'm not even really a person
mostly just a collection of assorted child abuse and mistakes in flesh trenchcoat that thinks it's alive

i always hate posting in here but it's the only place i can post abysmal bullshit like this

>>45136929
You are a person

>>45136517
too real
I'm still trying to escape that cycle and even the internal narrative around it

>>45137192
as opposed to?

>>45137972
Not being a person. Calm down, you'll be fine

I wonder if youre still here looking for me. I havent checked this thread in maybe a week or two for my own peace of mind but something draws me back. If youre looking, please stop. Im not here, not really, and youll drive yourself crazy thinking someone who isnt me, is me. Maybe thats why youve felt so crazy in general. Maybe I was a fool to ever make myself known here among all these broken hearts.

>>45137192
>>45137972
oh shit sorry I can't read. yeah, it sucks.

>>45138119
>if you think you know anon...
It can be fun to temporarily delude yourself and rp, but ultimately it is harmful. I think many anons have similar experiences and can see bits of themselves and others in various anons. I use this website too much, and have been feeling crazy lately, so ME feeling like you're speaking to ME is a sign for ME to leave.

>>45138171
Oh, no, Im the one that added that rule to the gen OP. I have a formerly close friend who confirmed to me that she read my musings in this thread. And that she also is uncomfortable because sometimes she cant tell if its me or not. So it was kind of a "if youre still here, im (mostly) not and you shouldnt be either" - partly because I read something that reminded me of her but also as a just in case.
Anyways Im gonna probs go.

>>45136517
>>45137398
what parts of your life feel like that? it's a common sentiment around here

>>45139228
interpersonally, like romantic relationships in particular I guess but not just there, mostly around being undervalued and abandoned

>>45139239
I'm sorry anon. what's self fulfilling about it?

>>45139419
>fear a thing
>act anxiously over it
>cause thing to happen
>do not learn lesson
>repeat
it's an oversimplification and I don't think the narrative is helpful, but the basic pattern holds and is worth trying to work on

>>45137972
thanks for fucking skinwalking me

anyway ive started having vivid auditory hallucinations when I try to go to bed (not sleep that's impossible)
gets worse the more tired I get and it wears off if I try to get more awake
I just want to sleep
that's all I want anymore
do you know what happens when you stuff the full majesty and abhorrence of concious observation forcefully down the gullet of a mentally retarded abused-as-a-child possibly brain damaged suicidal tranny? that's right she goes fucking insane!
noone will ever believe me but you fuckers exist because of me
because the cross of the world is mine to bear and motherfucker it mauls me every second
even then I think that I'm some sort of pet for something all powerful and eldritch or maybe several I don't know


got carried away
sorry
point stands
can you tell I'm not doing well?

>>45139228
>517
interpersonal relationships as well. I've always had shitty self esteem and social difficulties. If you expect rejection, you end up acting subtly different and get rejected, or you simply never put yourself out there.

>>45139475
>thanks for skinwalking me
???
do these hallucinations only happen when trying to sleep or when waking?

i wasn't trying to pretend to be you in the post, i was genuinely confused because I was stupid and read it too quickly. I thought that someone was simply stating that you are a person out of nowhere which is a fucking weird thing to say.

>>45123325
You may never know or realize it but I loved you much more than you can think of. I am so fucking grateful that I met you in this life. I often think about you when I'm in pain, and you calm my spirit every time. Thank you for being near me. Thank you for smiling and laughing and being yourself. Thank you for every word you told me. I wish I could do more to help or just spend more time with you. You probably rarely think about me these days but not even a day goes by without me reminiscing about our mundane short time together.

File: 1769296751825868.png (216 KB, 593x656)

216 KB PNG

>>45139906

>I had another dream living happy as a woman

>>45139788
great movie

>>45139760
If they're that important to you why are you posting about it in some stupid thread online instead of just reaching out again? It seems like you'd just be in pain otherwise.

>>45123325

girlrepping ruined my life, these organs don't work and its so painful.. everything is pain and I hope to never be touched again. I dont want to do those disgusting things.. feel such unpleasant sensations.

I've never had friends, I hate to say I'm traumatized but I can barely function. I can't hold a conversation and I don't want to.
My parents are pleading with me to come home, acquaintances say they don't recognize me anymore. I feel hollow.

I regret not transitioning, it's not too late for me but it's hard and I'm depressed and I feel trapped by circumstance.
Maybe I'd pass, maybe if trooned years ago I wouldn't be in such agony today. It's all come crashing back, I'd repressed it so well. I wanted to be cis. I wanted to be normal. I tried my best. diy t has been on my mind but I don't think I'm brave enough to do it.

>>45140942
i believe in you to do it, if thats what you want anon. i wasted my teenage years repping but couldnt stand it anymore and now am in a much better place. i wanted to be normal too. its incredibly painful and im so so sorry. but despite mourning what could have been, dont make your future self mourn what could happen now. its not too late.

>>45140942
Everything gets easier when you transition, even when it takes time to get to where you want to be. Maybe some people will disagree but I think it's true. When you finally inhabit yourself for the first time in your life, it makes socializing easier, conversation easier, life easier in general.

>>45123325
People on here genuinely have no idea what their talking about half of the time, they will see a post and not even assume half of the content, but mix up the words in their head to either make it feel like a targeted post, or something that means something completely different. Aswell as just assuming people's situations without any further context. All is lost

it's going to be so long before I try again
you're still in my dreams every night

I'd give anything to have you here in bed with me

>>45141602
Would you?

>>45141606
yeah, but it's ultimately a destructive impulse and something I have to curb
it just hurts

>>45141641
I'm almost certainly not your anon, but I'd give anything too.

File: vegeta-headache-644522725.gif (1.17 MB, 640x342)

1.17 MB GIF

>>45150237

Why am I thinking about the tranny?
Why do I feel so lonely when she turns away from me?
I'm a grown man, not a nervous little boy.
Get out of my head.

>>45139486
been guilty of this before

i miss him i miss him i miss him i miss him imisshimimisshimimisshim i miss him

>>45142642
do you think there's a chance you will get to see him in the future?

>>45142842
no he hates me and doesn’t even live in this country anymore

have any reppers posted in these threads and decided to transition afterwards?

>>45140722
Because he's just a straight guy friend who was nice to me in highschool. I'm a dysgenic socially retarded and repressed faggot in an shitty backwards country. I'm that pathetic. I should rope.

do u ever think about me

It's been a few months and I still think about her constantly but she has moved on and I'm sure she is happy

I need to die I need to be punished I need my filthy fucking hands smashed into a fine paste I want to march up to him and tell him to hate me and beat the shit out of me and never look at me again but that's insane and stupid and needy and I'd just spook him with how crazily obsessed I am I'm sorry ok I'm sorry I need to die someone please kill me this is too horrible I'm disgusting I need to die I want this feeling to stop I want to be normal miserable again or I want to die I need to die someone fucking kill me nothing will wash me clean never I'm a monstrosity that needs to be ripped to shreds

friend blocked me for no reason, so ive decided to never speak to anybody ever again with the intention of forming social connection. being nice and indulging in every stupid fucking self absorbed issue, interest, feeling, and thought someone has isn't enough. i just lack the capability to be cared for. it's distressing how much time i lost being a fulltime therapist to a bunch of assholes, and still part of me feels like i can't even feel this way about it all because it's not kind. i definitely need to stop caring about other people though; it's legitimately self destructive to give a shit anymore.

what don't I know?

>>45147922
I don't know what?

>>45147974
what I don't know

>>45148121
I know what don't

>>45148131
don't I know what...

>>45148137
don't know what I

I'm starting to miss you less and that hurts more than a lot of the rest of it for some reason

>>45148465
forget it happened at all

>>45148497
I wish lol

I dont think Ill ever stop missing you

I blocked you for a reason.
Stop looking for me.

not looking, but you could stop appearing in the same places as me

>>45148637
get out. oh my god im shaking.

sorry. i dont even know who I'm speaking to at this point. are you even speaking to me?

>If you think you know anon, but don't have decisive evidence, no, you probably don't.

this board is fucking pointless every time i come on here to ask transition related questions i get ignored in favor of all the negative self hating trannies, gooning fantasies and chaser thirst posts. it’s all so tiresome and i just want actual advice that is not dismissive or gatekeepy

>>45148775
what are you looking for advice on

>>45148775
iykyk

>>45148789
on this
>>45148315
maybe i just need a better op image to bait people into looking at it

is there like anyway to get over being trans or am i forced to hate my body and pointlessly try to change to no avail (im poor) until i rope

>>45148805
tanner stage 3 for progesterone (usually 2 years) and start pio whenever your breasts are done/you're happy with them (though the impedement to growth it may cause is temporary)

you know what, I don't miss you anymore
you were awful for me and made me feel worse about myself in between crumbs of affection and praise

>>45149240
proud of you

>>45149240
wish i could feel this despite being in the same spot

I just wish I wasn't such a freak with OCD and bad life so I could feel like I can have you forever. In my 30s and a complete joke and you've always been a good friend for me and for once you've made me feel emotions again but I repress them all.

I stood up for myself for once and didn't go back on it like a wimp

>>45149427
see how long that lasts

cut my pathetic tits off i'll enver be a real woman anyway just throw me away

File: 1793145985746511.gif (1.74 MB, 400x287)

1.74 MB GIF

I WISH I WASNT SCHIZOPHRENIC
I WISH I WASNT SCHIZOPHRENIC
I WISH I WASNT SCHIZOPHRENIC
I WISH I WASNT SCHIZOPHRENIC
I WISH I WASNT SCHIZOPHRENIC

>>45149478
Mean, it'll last forever

>>45149484
ok lou reed

wow extremely embarrassing. i cant believe i wrote those things in a place people could read them. it was anon but still. it was only weeks ago and its so fucking cringe. but i know its gonna happen again

i set up a local ai so i can cry to it instead. not sure if thats more or less pathetic

>>45149603
>i set up a local ai so i can cry to it instead
you are literally better off writing your thoughts down in a physical journal or on an anonymous public blog or just in a text file on your phone or computer

mtf, i haven’t been in a relationship for about 6 years now, i’m late 20s, i think im kinda doomed to be single forever as a trans woman now unless i just settle? i haven’t dated during my transition and everyone i find is like casual hookups or poly. shit has progressively made me more and more insecure and i can’t rlly even pull together the effort to approach women to chat up when im out. i emptied out various dating apps in a metropolitan trans city, people tell me it can’t really be this bad for me so idgi.

>>45149603
yea same what demon is possessing us to do this stupid shit...

>>45149609
dont understand why. journals dont respond or tell me im spiraling for no reason. i just end up posting my most potent text files here anyway and everyone ignores them

>>45149649
you are willfully choosing to engage with sycophantic models designed to keep you engaged and ideally paying instead of an inert self-reflective surface

>>45149655
>sycophantic models designed to keep you engaged and ideally paying
i picked a model that tells me tells me im wrong right away, and its local, i dont pay for anything? last time i used an online one it told me to get off the computer and go to sleep lol

>>45149690
lol

like damn at least the fucking ai can read the thread its posting in

>>45123325
going through a breakup with someone who's friends with all of your friends suuuuckks. it's clear who my friends' favorite is and which one they're okay with not inviting to anything anymore. why do i even bother trying to do anything in my best interest. that relationship kept me from ending myself and now im getting punished for it

why are there so many breakups happening all at once

>>45131181
and what do u think about him?
do u think that guy is stupid? that he cant see ur disgustingness?
because if u were really ugly n barely a person, that guy is retarded or is lying, i think u have to listen to him if u like him

>>45150173
breakups are common they happen all the time

File: 3c501d5dd69f95611e5d305ad(...).jpg (19 KB, 450x450)

19 KB JPG

>>45152363

>>45141927
the tranny has bewitched u heheh

I just want to totally let go of my life and be gay boy and a drag queen. I'm mtf

>>45123325
need to block her

she broke up w me, then moved to my city and started sleeping with people here

now she wants to be friends

how abt I explode

>>45150116
I relate so badly

>>45150116
unless you or your ex did something that would be unacceptable even outside of a relationship, if they were willing to discard one of you then your ex and friends aren't worth shit.

>>45150173
one WHORE was dating ALL of them

>>45123325
slowly realizing im just unworthy of love

the closest I can get is a sex object or a kink dispenser

but not love. never love

>>45150352
Why unworthy? Everyone deserves love

>>45150355
more of a conjecture based off everything atp really. im just not what anyone really wants. guess im just unlikable lol,, and now im depressed as hell so its feels hard to even try to unfuck my shit. i have a gun. ill be surprised if im not dead by the end of next year.. im constantly telling people not to off themselves and being there for them when theyre down but shit just isnt the same for me ig.

>>45150381
What is it based on? I'm really sorry you've been getting used and not loved. Please don't hurt yourself, maybe you should get rid of the gun. I don't know you but I'm willing to bet you're being neglected undeservedly, it doesn't mean you're unlikable.

>>45150415
lotta things. wld dox me if i got specific. but safe to say everything is burned. i was nobody's first pick.

>>45150381
>>45150761
please try to make sure it's somewhere you cannot grab it impulsively.

a lot of people here have it terribly bad so i find it awkward to say all this but i don't have much of a trans community to talk to. most of my friends are cis. i've never posted here before.

i feel like i've been betraying myself a lot. im 2.5y hrt. i pass, mostly, and hrt did me well, i became attractive, made lots of friends, in a matter of years i turned my life around. i only used to come here early on. i used it to scare myself into transitioning. it worked and im glad it did. there have been whole multiple months in a row where i can confidently say i've been happy

but i had something creep up on me. i dated men at first, i'm bi. i was early on in my transition and i pandered to some long-haired twink audience thinking it'd earn me love (just got a lot of half-closeted bi dudes that felt me being as feminine as i was made it okay)
but i got manipulated, abused and raped by men pretty quickly and by about 1.5y in i started dating women. they're safer, much kinder. but i flipped into some masc lesbian (not really masc looking just kind of futch, lots of hoodies) role, because i passed pretty well i managed to cope for a long time and still feel rather feminine, but i dream of actually getting to be a woman in the way i wanted to when i was younger. i think i kind of did half the work of transitioning, and not the other. i'm too scared to be the woman i want to be, even though everyone already treats me as if i am one. but recently i've caught myself misgendering myself in my head again, which i thought was a thing of the past.

i have a girlfriend of eight months now and we both want to get married. she's wonderful, no complaints. but since we met i've already been in this kind of futchy lesbian/theyfabesque transwoman phase out of discomfort with myself and im scared to become who i really am in front of them. i know they love me but im scared

i'm stuck in a sort of problem. i fear i am not the unstable body, though i am unsure which other party is worse off. oh, how tricky it is to discern when your mind has been fogged, but, fog clears.

>>45151304
Are you the three-body problem anon? I'm interested in hearing about your circumstances

>>45151340
i am afeared one of the other bodies is here. not sure which to be more afeared of

>>45151350
>>45151373
I see anons worried about this more often recently. Is there anything you want to vent about that wouldn't compromise you?

i still love you and miss you even after all the shit thats happened over the years, i know you really just didnt want anything to do with me, but i also know you loved me too. you were just afraid to admit it, and scared of revealing your past. you could have just been upfront and honest with me, and i would have been fine, but the fact that you hid it for so long and led me on is just shitty. THATS why im always upset, you not communicating.. Im sorry for the words i said at the end.. to be completely honest.. i still want to see you again.. idk why you're so scared of me.. you just do things that push me away.. which make me meaner in retaliation than i truly am... i hope you're okay. i wish we could just have an in person convo. wish you could come w me to Osaka.

except the reflection... isn't so great. which one is the reflection and which is the image?

>>45151377
what sort of mean things have you done anon? i sure you can explain it

>>45151388
i mean when he'd do something really shitty, id retaliate pretty harshly with my words, call him out on things that they were insecure about..

>>45151400
unfortunately we have all done stuff like that, though you need to make an effort to stop the behavior and he needs to put up boundaries as well. if he doesn't want anything to do with you then... tough shit.

>>45151407
the important question is: how do you know he wants nothing to do with you? can you reach out to him?

I attempted suicide on Monday. Was trying to drink myself to death and might’ve gotten close. Yet my body pulled through against my will. Why attempt? Heartbroken. I was falling in love with her and she ripped the rug right out from under me and threw it in my face. Took her out and she got someone’s number. She planned to spend the night with me at first but decided she would leave me alone that night. I felt that goodbye kiss was meant to be our last. Then changed plans this coming weekend with me to see them. She wasn’t even gonna tell me at first but she did when I brought up plans with her. I’ve found it difficult to cry over her. It hurts too much to cry. I just want to drink the pain away but it won’t leave. I honestly felt like I was ready for a relationship again. I told her and I told her I felt for her. She continued coming over and going on dates with me. I’m going to miss her. I don’t want to let her go but I have to. I’m gonna regret not fighting for her but there is nothing worth fighting for if I do. She doesn’t want me and I fear I won’t be able to change that.

>>45133413
i cant stop thinking about him, he makes me so happy, i want to be beautiful for him, i cut my own hair and i think i look better, i just want him in bed with me, i want to shower him with gifts and cook for him and make him so happy.. i just want things to work out, nothing ever seems to workout, all my relationships are long distance and online, but we're in the same country at least, and i have a genuine affinity for him, i look up to him. he gives me hope i wont be a complete and utter fuck up

>>45151537
ive been kneck deep in anxiety and fear and paranoia, ive been avoiding my college assignments, im just completely shut down at this point. im so filled with fear, every day is filled with dread, like someone is going to show up and kill me. the only thing that makes me feel safe is him and my firearms

>>45151546
ive spent more time in my own head than in reality. im so terrified of real life. going outside feels like a deer walking towards a pack of wolves. retreating onto my computer feels so nice, but logging onto college is horrifying to me, i have to hold my breath just to get my login info or send an email. everything feels like its closing in on me, with no escape in sight

>>45151546
just don't shoot him! be careful!

>>45151569
i am almost completely and entirely alone, he's all i really have. my other friends barely talk to me anymore. my ex i cut off because i want them to fucking die. the most annoying piece of shit on this earth. i feel better when i can successfully distract myself from everything.. my irl friend ive known since elementary almost never dms me, and he probably thinks i am an utter freak after trooning out. as long as i have my crush and faith in god ill be okay

>>45151570
id never, i have weapons because i live in a rural area and have ran into some very not nice people, its a necessity

>>45151597
what is stopping him from being by your side?

>>45151602
were in different states, but besides that nothing, technically. i just want to be able to pass before id ever want to meet him

>>45151591
why not reach out to your irl friend and start convos yourself? you dont have to wait for him to talk

>>45151633
they just dont go anywhere, im not the same person i was at 13. we catch up every couple months but thats it. its embarrassing when someone's known you as a male for half your life

>>45136051
ok I have been comigng to terms with the fact that i might be a torture survivor. it was on my mind but I never wanted to acceptbit, but of course the shockings and the mock and real executions and hangings and beatings were torture i jsut never wanted to think of it like that.torture is a scary word. iam in too much pain to cry, my body hurtsbut I can’t just lie down and relax anddbbe alone with my thoughts im scared I really am. why did my memories have to be coming back like this, why couldnt I have just been amnesiac forever. I DONT WANT THIS TO BE REAL I AM DELISIONAL FUCKING LIAR IM JUST A SCHIZO WHORE

>>45123325
im too tall to pass and ive lost all hope

i'm really scared. it feels like fight or flight and it wont go away. this feeling is making me sick and all i can think about is killing myself to escape it. but i think thats why i'm feeling so sick. because i know it's going to happen and i cant do anything to stop it.

File: OIF-1463459108.jpg (6 KB, 185x104)

6 KB JPG

>>45157381

>>45150237
Can you ask the coven to stop the hex, please?
This isn't funny.

>>45147085
I've calmed down a bit but I still can't face him. I don't want him to see how fucked up I am over something that seemed to matter so little to him, it'd be embarrassing and exposing. how long will I feel this way...

>>45152031
I have also had that feeling for more than 8 years at this point. I know how that feels. Not sure if there's anything to be done about it, it didn't use to be like this.

im so fucking sick and tired of this life. im looking for ways out

>>45153187
if you're going to do it don't fuck it up like that retard who jumped off a 2nd story building and got paralyzed

>>45153221
seen it enough to know how to do it thanks

>>45149619
Grats you just figured out that your identity was 90% co opted by fetishists

I realized my body is cute enough to show off but I genuinely suck at taking pictures. Feels like I'm getting mogged whenever I go on any of the femboy threads just because I don't know what to show off or how to pose or etc.

Any help out there? Like a guide or tips idk... I'm quite the skinny boi but not mr skeleton. Will probably start doing exercises to shape my legs soon

>>45150889
i sleep next to it most nights

I fucking hate myself, I can't control my anger so I end up yelling, and worse, after that my cats needed food, and that stupid construction worker said to me " I really like fucking faggots" while staring me right in the eye, I went almost mute, all I could do was repeat what he said, I didn't know what to do so I just walked away and now I just can't stop thinking about him, why am I so fucking broken, why am I such a slut

I really regret making so many concessions to you just to try and make things work

the three body problem was a delusion from me in the first place. sorry that I strung you along for so long. I know you weren't ever into me, and I'm sorry for harrassing you all these years. I hope you're happy with the outcome, whatever it is. I just hope that I stop feeling crazy soon. I was always a cowardly lion.

it's been enlightening though. I've said something to this effect multiple times already so it probably means nothing anymore. I just twisted myself in knots out of boredom and obsession, while missing what was in front of me the entire time. I am a loser. At least one of you is a hard worker who gets shit done. Time for me to be like that and forge my destiny. It's not about "getting the girl", or "winning her over", it's not a competition. It's absurd to think of it that way. The framing if it alone is telling on my psyche, which is very unhealthy. I'm glad I had people who held me back from anything crazy, as well as some self restraint.

I am deeply embarrassed though. I look like a crazy person and probably am. I hope my brain can recover from the hell I've created for myself and I can become a real person again. I know nobody """involved""" (massive quotes) will read this, as half of it was likely botted or imagined to begin with.

>>45156455
what

>>45156499
basically I wove a whole narrative that may or may not be true, that a woman from years ago is secretly fucking my friend. it makes sense, i feel inadequate compared to him. he actually goes outside, talks to people, works on himself, and pursued an education, while I was a miserable wreck. that might be too self loathing, another habit i need to break, but it is relevant as to why my delusions shaped themselves this way. i just hope that the other party who might be involved is unharmed and unscarred from this. it doesn't matter in the end as long as I leave her alone. I can't keep torturing myself with ideas of what might be happening. they will reveal it in time if they want to.

>still live with parents
>dropped out of college because i couldnt handle it
>no job
>no life
>no money
>dumped gf after she cheated on me with a minor
>cant afford to see friends anymore
>at least i pass
why even bother going on. how do i fix this.

>>45156553
i think i was just looking for someone to check up on me because i am so alone. she has her own problems, and shouldn't be expected to do that for a stranger. she needs someone who can help her too. i cannot be a vampire and continue to suck her blood. i cannot spiral in guilt loops and dig myself deeper. i cannot ruminate on someone i don't even know. a memory of a memory of a memory.

always a fucking coward. at least I'm cowardly enough to stay alive. i don't think they intended anything ill towards me, my guilt makes it feel deserved and automatic. it's good I'm not actually too crazy, i think.

>>45156667
like wow ! im posting so much and talking all about me! what a narcissist. when someone tells you what they are, believe them I guess. sure, some person i barely knew from 15 years ago think of me over her neighbor. someone who has books for her to read. creepy stalker vs tall chad, who wins? even though they're probably not together, he still wins technically by not being fucking crazy. he's probably been laughing at this the whole time or indifferent because he has other shit going on.

this place sucks. too many connections can be made. it's hard to prune them without cutting off useful ones. i need to leave it.

im not in cahoots with anyone else btw. I was always a solo actor, but I sought advice from other parties. perhaps that misled me. still, i need to own up to my mistakes. i should be able to sort out correct from incorrect.

>>45123325
I’m coming out of a completely toxic relationship and I can’t stop thinking about it. I even cut their name into myself. Tomorrow I’m going to try to see a public therapist.

>>45156899
jesus christ. why would you do that? id be scared if anyone told me that

I just wish I had gone and talked to you IRL when this all began. Maybe it would have spared a lot of headache for both of us. I saw two figures in that blizzard stand, and I was afeared of speaking to them, so I left. I regret that, even though there was a good chance they werent even related to you. My fear of intimacy is part of the reason why I stayed so far away. Of course, I was also afraid (probably too paranoid de su) about legal trouble, for some reason. It's all a mess, and I wasn't strengthening myself in a way to be up to the task.

File: fe696678037edfd56e3ad0775(...).jpg (45 KB, 450x450)

45 KB JPG

>>45158807

>>45152363
the coven's decisions have already been made
there is no turning back
u won't be able to get her out of ur mind,

My ex declared me awful and moved on in under a week, moving in with the person she was secretly pining for the whole time we were together. A friend begged me to unblock her and it turned out she left this person for no clear reason and wanted to be back with me. She never tried that hard to move in with me so it was always long distance and would continue to be long distance until whenever she changed her mind (aka never). She apologized "for everything" and desperately wants me back, or so she says, but I don't feel it. The only reason she's showing remorse is that she's single again and wants something from me. I didn't even get "I'll fly to you the instant it's in my power" or anything else that could be construed as decisive. The love she offers feels hollow. My therapist calls her bpd. I don't know. Her emotions feel light a light switch between all and nothing. She still speaks affectionately of the person she was with, and I struggle to believe that she's moved on, that I'm more than a backup plan until she finds someone better who she's willing to move to. Again.

im working on not externally regulating my emotions by reading secret codes into the behaviors of strangers. its difficult, esp because i really want them to be sending me secret codes.

TRUE!!!!!!!!!
>>45157940
talking to them directly is the best method, but alas, some of us are cowards, or have been trained to search for "secret codes" more than is healthy for a human..it is a habit that must be unlearned.

File: image_2026-10-29_031456853.png (56 KB, 1230x1002)

56 KB PNG

>>45158032 >>45158107

need to get it off my mind
it's been a little while since i made this dogshit and i feel less suicidal than i was (again) and the door is locked and i don't have the key
going to bed
i can never sleep
like to sleep forever
but soon i hope i will be free

>>45157993
how tf does your dad think you're going to take your mones if you don't have syringes? he sounds stupid, sorry. tell him to stop being big gay.

>>45157983
>talking to them directly
yeah ive been told. and i really want to but im self aware enough to know its a bad idea and there are also complications, its not really an appropriate venue for that.

and like reading my old vents and journal confirms that i really need to not impose my delusions on others. like even if they are true i still need to learn healthier habits and not think ambiguous behaviors are always about me.

im supposed to do exposure and response prevention therapy. im trying to integrate it into stuff. like i guess whenever i hear laughter in public instead of running away i turn around and see that everyone is not pointing and laughing at me for being trans and nothing bad happens and if i keep doing that then i wont have the urge to run away when people laugh.

but like i already think people are noticing that im acting different and that they are acting different in response to me acting different and its fucking with my head.

and i like reflexively self insert into vent posts as long as they remain ambiguous, and then the second they get concrete its like oh, of course, not me, how silly of me to think so. and its the same with the people irl. like once i consider the real them and not the projection and how they might respond its like wow what the fuck was i thinking im so glad i stopped myself before i said anything.

i was told that its ok to have standards and that wanting to have someone communicate directly that they want to spend time with you is actually healthy and reasonable and not like demanding or crazy. i think that framing made a big difference. but like my ego still twists that into choosing to avoid and ignore the secret codes that are definitely there. fuck.

so sort of the fact that im avoidant might be a sign i need to do more work? among other reasons.

>>45158051
>self aware enough to know its a bad idea
good. It's a good idea to make sure you have everything organized before you spew word salad on someone
>not think ambiguous behaviors are always about me
autism. like actually. you start getting hyperaware that you DO miss cues so you start searching for them everywhere. combine that with anxiety (commonly comorbid) and a history of social rejection.. it makes you start to feel legit schizophrenic sometimes. its harder with strangers or people you expect to be NT.
>reflexively self insert into vent posts
yes. especially if they are about negative behavior. I've always tried to 'correct' myself to some extent.

I think this is something you should bring up to a therapist or a close friend. I'm working through the same thing right now honestly.

>>45158032
it's the deal
"we have to do it correctly"
he's terrified i'll hurt myself
i wish i could tell him it's safe if you're not a retard
I CAN
i just can't get the words because i am retarded
i can't wait anymore
i am so fucking close to the keys of the cage and there's this fucking troll who says he loves me blocking them
i love my dad but i hope i come out of this hating him like my mother so he can see what he did to me aswell
yesterday it was 50 days until my 19nth
now it's 49
and i cannot take doing that as a man
i would regret it forever
but i don't think there's enough time for the mones so to speak to kick in
oh well just have to grow my hair and find out why my scalp is so fucked (brain damage methinks)
really need to sleep
tldr well meaning but scared and i'm retarded and cant explain

>>45157993
i also think therapists are feds.
>>45158080
>this is something you should bring up to a therapist
i brought it up vaguely to the only two people close to me without saying it that i think random people are staring at my chest and can tell but i didnt say that just that i look different and they both said nah dude you look exactly the same and one said i should talk to a therapist about it

THANKS LOL

thats why i asked dr. grok and when it started getting to real i set up a local distilled model thats trained on therapy techniques. so im not sending my blackmail directly to elon and it gives me recs that i cross check

>>45158098
just do it and dont say. how did you get a vial and not syringes?you can get them so many ways.

>>45158107
i didnt order any beforehand
dumb cunt award is me
aurelia mutual and i didn't tell him for a while i think
cant remember all the bullshit and trauma lately has switched my memory off
only flashes now
to be honest i'm scared of needles and the logistics of having to hide it all would have fucked me

>>45158080
>makes you start to feel legit schizophrenic
yeah it did fr. idk i havent been diagnosed autistic tho just add. i think having the dissociation from dysphoria get out of the way makes it so my add is way more obvious to myself. and now its like wow im actually kinda fucked

>>45158098
>i would regret it forever
well at least you know and it sounds like you know what you have to do. i think its gonna work out

God damn, I miss you...

i wish i could stop relitigating minor interactions in my head

it gets better if i do more of them because then there are so many i cant keep track but I dont wanna ugh. actually thats kinda the inverse of the principle im supposed to hold now, that its not worth thinking about bc normies dont thnk about ackward interactions cause they happen all the time. its just to me they are significant bc i have no friends. =)

ive decided that a healthy coping mechanism is when i start to cringe instead of going over it again and burning it into memory i quickly hit the bong and boot up minecraft. so far it worked at least twice. i dont even remember what the fuck i was embarrassed about yesterday. everytime i start to remember and go down that memory lane i just shout shut the fuck up inside my head and think about something else until i actually forget.

>>45158275
the weed might be part of the reason why you're looping so much.

>>45158281
uh no? it stopped the loop lol
*bubble noises*

>>45158292
maybe if you're too hazy to think about anything?

I'm tired of my attraction to the unavailable. I've put in so much work on myself and undoing what caused this. I won't fall for the same shit I have in the past. I won't go chasing people who give me slivers of affection, or nothing at all, or who pull away after things get banal. I won't fall for the same shit that destroyed my life, and ruined my security in myself.
Yet at the same time, where do I not find these people? Its the only thing I keep walking into. I don't chase anymore that part of me is done, its dead and tired of that game. But when is it my turn to be wanted? I've always had to push and push against immovable brick walls of men. I haven't had any trouble meeting people, but when do I meet someone who shows interest in me? I don't know anymore what I do wrong. I don't want another relationship of nothing, years of nothing and then they pull the rug out from under you. Months of back and forth and then they just disappear. I'm tired. I care so much for everyone I know. Friends. Family. When do I get the care I want? I can work on myself, be more comfortable with myself, get used to the solitude, but the loneliness is what does you in. Loneliness when you're still surrounded by people of all sorts, and no one seems capable of what I can do, of looking past the errors and the flaws, looking past the tired eyes full of war and seeing a person for who they truly are. I know it's the fact that I'm as closed off as the people I become attracted to, but it's hard to open up again after so many wounds.

Whatever. I'm just another tranny shouting into the void.

>>45123344
I didn't manage to confirm it. if it is true, it will be revealed in time. it is a neurosis that needs to be discarded anyhow.

File: crine.jpg (16 KB, 320x238)

16 KB JPG

>>45164964

>>45157381
No, no, no!
I can't live like this.
I don't want to think about her anymore!

im soo pathetic i need to kms

>>45158275
think of it like a little bonfire. when you ruminate, you're throwing another log on top, but it will go out naturally without it. it seems productive to think about things from this angle or that but thinking should be mostly linear

what the fuck is quality time, anyway? I don't know what to believe

>>45123325
fuckkk finding a fitting and not too expensive hotel room with gf is so annoying

boyfriend checklist:
tall
cute
strong
makes me feel safe
is a girl

=/

File: 1784955759424376.jpg (20 KB, 320x240)

20 KB JPG

>>45162611 >>45162630

>>45158752
This is always a pattern I see with people who are too afraid to be honest about themselves. If you still struggle with these problems, then maybe you should entertain that your statement "I can look past the errors and the flaws" is a form of trickery by the toxic peacekeeper within you. If this a true motivation of yours that always results in a catastrophe, then it's no wonder why your honesty and self-perception is so distorted that nobody knows how to take care of you.

whats the point? why do i have to keep living when all i can feel is this pain? why do i have to keep taking antidepressants just so apathy can replace the suffering? why can't i just die already?

it's not fair. i look around and see everyone around me with normal lives and looking like normal people. they have friends, they have relationships, they're if not happy at least not completely miserable all the time.

then i come here and see, pasmen, people who were born males and actually get to be women and pass and be pretty or average.

how can this be dair. how can there be so many people having what i want the most while i am relegated to having to live in this ugly masculine disgusting body with thiat neandertal face rhat must be unfixable even by ffs?!?!?!?!

i wish i could just die. i wish i could just go to sleep and never wake up again. at least that way my the pain would stop.

but wait it's not just being loneley and ugly and non passing! it's also being unlovable! i'll never find someone, never feel how it is to be loved or cared for or desired. i try to be helpful, i try to care about people, i try to act happy and make them feel better. but do they care? do they send me messages asking if I'M good? no, they do not. if i died tomorrow only my parents would care.

this face, this body, this life, this world. it all disgusts me so so so so so so so so so so so much.

aaand guess what???? there's more because ofc there's more. i can barely be productive on work or uni and might fail lots of classes

fuck my life. i wish i could just die. i wish i didn't want to live.

>>45161921
This is truer than you think. I have been putting in a lot of work with both therapy and shadow work. I can also see, from a wider lens, that I don't really take effort in expressing my needs to people, not just verbally but nonverbally as well.

>>45162611
>>45161921
depending on your perspective it can look like a real fuckin fine line between looking past someone's flaws or tolerating mistakes with grace and putting up with them crossing your boundaries or just enabling their treating you like shit, and no matter how automatic the impulses may feel it's not something you passively experience without influence

My coworker is really nice and I like her as a friend. She seems to like me a bit more than that. She always sits next to me on the sofa and sometimes so close our bodies touch (and when it was warmer our skins touched). She compliments my clothes, hair, nails, jewelry and glasses. She gives me gifts. She tells me of her dreams of us going abroad together. All that stuff. I’ve told her I have a partner but she’s still after me. She described her bed to me. She held my hands to show me how warm they are (I really needed that after coming from outside). She obviously has a crush on me and I don’t want to lose a friend by rejecting her but I also don’t want to toy with her feelings either. She’s lovely and if I had to get a gf she’d be a good option as we have a lot in common (and she’d keep me warm). The problem is that I’m not single and also not into women so it’s awkward that she doesn’t stop with her flirting :c

I have consulted the stars and determined that she is already falling in love with someone else and has forgotten me while I remain in mourning

I miss you. I hate you. I love you. Never come back. I wish youd forgive me. I wish I never met you. You saved my life.

i will repress forever i am the most never gonna make reppoon it there ever was. i have a babyface that makes me look 12, disabilities which mean i need a cane and cause tics (mega fembodied), ultra feminine interests, and am an uberraped schizo. killing myself. good lord i type in lowercase too thats so fembrained. at least im super agp so i dont even wanna transition anymore

i,m killing myself on friday #casualfriday

>>45164288
yeah

was going to make this a post

instead of being a tranny I think I'm just a bitter fag
I also think the only reason I keep doing shit like this is to seek affirmation
I'd like that a lot but anyway
it makes me sad typing this but I'll ignore it like usual and pretend I don't know the reason
I fell into the discord femboy pipeline when I was a teenager and puberty hit me extremely hard and I think I'm just trying to go back to there with estrogen and the cope is that I'm a tranny
to be honest I'd take it even though I know I've hit the wall at 18 and it isn't possible
my dad is just too masculine and he passed it onto me
swear to god I went to sleep for once (I cannot sleep) and my face was worse looking
atleast I think I fixed it a little by chipping more of my tooth off biting a nail
I don't even know what I am
sometimes I think I'm enbie (valid) or genderfluid (vxlid) or some shit
I feel fine like this but I think the words "I feel fine" and the trannyness gets through
I think it's a thought pattern and I think a lot of other things I think are too
I say to myself
"but I don't want to be genderfluid or an enbie I want to be-"
and then there's some pain and I panic a little and stop thinking about it again
it's how I cope
I just dont think about it
I'm miserable
I know who I am
I just had a shit day and doubting myself and taking it out on the tranny psyop board
that text feels like a lie and i fought the slight happiness it gave me instinctively

all I want is a hug at this point
my mother abused me
she talks to me like I'm an annoyance (I am)
nice girlfriend
don't care if she was a boyfriend at one point
I just want her to hold me and shush me and lie and say everything will be okay
but people don't go in for things that aren't people like me

might try mommy asmr before I become an alcoholic

>>45158807
or you could just fuckin ask her out jeez

>>45151841
i want to be believed about all the things that happened will you please believe me i know everything is horrific but please will you believe me will you love me more than you hate my abusers will you understand me, the closeset thing you have to understanding will you understand taht i am real and exist, that the poeple u hear and joke about in the epstein files really exist, will you believe me!!!! i am sick of being denied over and over again! will you believe me, when i tell you how much ive forgotten, the things conditioned and implanted into me, the way my mind is fragmented - will you believe me? can you believe me?

>>45165002
anyways. the meds have made me considerably less suicidal but i wish i could have another life, one where everything was normal, one where my biggest problems growing up were teen drama or whatever. it breaks my heart every time i see a child. i dont know if healing is possible in this life, especially knowing how vulnerable i am to being abused again - im disabled, need assistance, cant tell peoples intentions, naive, and i dont understand love that isnt abuse. ive been craving that kind of pain again, im considering looking for people who want to torture and traffic me again, thats if im still valuable

>>45165073
so if anyone wants to abuse and then kill me please hmu

You were always going to ghost me, even though you promised not to.

File: houseman.jpg (90 KB, 500x591)

90 KB JPG

>>45165623
people lie

Ever since my bf shit talked my favorite anime, I haven't been able to watch it again, even though there's a new remake season coming out...
He has apologized since, but being told to my face that "he hated it and that he only pretended to like it" when I was convinced we were sharing something I liked after so long... it hurt me deep
And since I already told him I forgive him, I don't know how to bring this up...

why did i start so fucking late. why didn’t i find this place when i was learning that i felt this way. why didn’t i fight for it. why did i let myself become so hideous. it doesnt matter what happens, even if u got so so lucky i just am already so fucking doomed.

File: IMG_0032.jpg (35 KB, 375x431)

35 KB JPG

I miss her. I realize what an ass hole I could be in the past. I know I’m better than some people but I need to get my life in order and off opioids, they’re destroying my body and my life. Right now the only thing holding me together is school, and next year I have some stuff that requires me to be very physically fit. I wanted to take this Christmas to get off drugs. My plan was to take 10 days to go through the worst of the withdrawals with phenibut to at least try and get some sleep during the ordeal. I went through it last year before deployment but the PAWS was awful. But now my mom wants me to come back home for Christmas, and not only will I need to mail some stuff to myself over there and hope and pray it’ll get there fine, but that takes away my break from school to get off this junk. I miss when she used to be my little ambitious girl and keep me on the straight and narrow, and I miss the cute little long haired twink that invited me over to his house when his dad wasn’t home, and who clearly loved me, but I was too much of a self loathing loser faggot to make him my boyfriend. I miss going out to the eastern shore with my boyfriend and laying on the beach.

if i can never transition then i should have killed myself
i had a shit life and didn’t get anything for it
i just wasted it living in terror 24/7 because of my severe ocd and shitty external circumstances
what a shit life
i seethe about people who got to transition all the time
my life is just confusing meaningless torture and im too much of a pussy to kill myself and i wouldn’t wanna devastate my mother anyway so i just wait to die while living a shit life of pointless excessive suffering
all i got was abuse and being a victim of destruction by others

It's always about trying to make peace with life.
Life is just enduring, putting up with impositions. Everything is an imposition, everything is slavery.
There will only be peace when it all ends, is the only thing I've always wanted.

I hate my porn addiction.
I have to coom four times a day, at a minimum, or I feel like I’ll explode.
And I can’t just get in, get out. I’ll sit there for an hour looking at dozens of videos, just to find something perfect and blow my load in a matter of seconds.
I’ve wasted so much of my life to it. I tried to stop but I can’t.

>>45167026
I mean if you’re a cute guy just blow your load on my face, or maybe even my asshole and back

i used to mock self harmers and now i get it
lol i deserve this fate

i lowk regret spending my week off work visiting my bf's shitty ass hometown LOL i'm developing actual depression here. we're in his parents' house and it's just me, him and his grandmother (who's nice but nags about everything) because his parents are on holiday and the whole environment and the dull house with no natural light is reminding me of home in a really bad way. the only good thing is being able to walk in the forest and stuff but we can literally do that at our place in the capital, we live next to two forests!!! otherwise this place stinks, is full of mouthbreathing hicks and has terrible traffic. like i've been going to the local gym for a couple of hours each day and it's always crowded and even just looking at the retards there makes me want to kill myself, it's 99% broccolis, roiders, foids with tripods, full faces of makeup and half of their asses on show doing hip thrusts with questionable form and other similar level NPCs. i think i would shoot myself if i lived here, i guess i really am more of a big city person just because the average IQ of people where i live needs to be above room temperature.

>>45167199
I live in a place like this and want to kill myself.

i just miss him but he has a gf now

>>45167199
ngl a guy i dated for a few months did same thing and immediate ick. seeing white trash town he grew up in made me notice his white trash behaviour and tendencies more until I had to end it.

File: 1618533812025.png (1.18 MB, 960x720)

1.18 MB PNG

>>45167295 >>45167381

i killed someone and got away with it and i dont know how to deal with the guilt

>>45167287
why

Why did you never say anything earlier? Did you always hate me? Why? I... is it because I'm gullible?

>>45167249
my condolences. essentially my entire country apart from the capital is full of right-wing hick towns like this, it's like a US red state but european. it's a shame because there's such nice countryside but i think you either have to live in the capital or just in the absolute middle of nowhere with no people around, everything in between is the worst of both worlds.
>>45167282
i get it, luckily my bf has spent almost as much of his life in the capital as he has here by now so he's not like most of the hicks here and he laughs at them too. i think there's slight tension because i'm so depressed here but thankfully we're going home in two days. it sucks that i'm straight back to work on monday though, feels like a waste of a holiday.

>>45167287
do you even feel guilt? did they deserve it?

>>45167366
>my entire country apart from the capital is full of right-wing hick towns like this, it's like a US red state but european
maybe Canada should be part of the EU because this is like every province and territory

i simply wasn't careful like you

>>45167295
they kept hurting me but they were unwell and coudlnt or wouldnt get help and i didnt know what else to do

>>45167381
i feel crushed by guilt every day and no one deserves to die

>>45167478
I see. I think I understand. I've felt like I've deserved to die, be murdered even, but my guilt for remaining alive isn't enough to stop me from doing what I believe is Sin. I've often felt that being killed is the only way, righteous, even, like someone else needs to do it and feel some sense of victory in that. I think I'm starting to come more to the conclusion that there was always little things I could do to restrain my Sin, and I must do them.

>>45167555
also the medical system is slow as balls and it's tricky to get undiagnosed with something if you exaggerate symptoms to speed up the process.

Been about a week since my long distance ex cheated on me. Needless to say I have no desire to get back with him, but I can't shake this occasional feeling of jealousy/anger that he got laid. I turned down two irl relationships while I was with him. We were both virgins who wanted to be each other's first. For a moment I had this urge to just go out and have sex out of spite which quickly died out because I always hated the idea of sex with strangers, but the jealousy lingers. How do I get over it?

>>45167590
when this happened to me it just took a lot of time. its natural to feel hurt and for that to linger, you dont have to self-destruct by doing something that will upset you like casual sex. i hope you can feel healed soon x

really looks like I made the right choice

genuinely worried you guys are posting things so applicable to me that people will read them and think it's me